Can you love me now, Zayn?

Chapter 19

Harry was extremely nervous about telling Zayn what he'd found out. He didn't want Zayn to hate him. He loved him so much he couldn't imagine his life without him and he was so afraid that this would change everything between them. Their first year of being a married couple had gone by so quickly and they were so happy together. They got along so well now, rarely ever argued about anything. Although they'd had a few ridiculous squabbles over ridiculous things, it almost always ended in the two of them laughing together like idiots. Harry didn't want to change that, he was terrified Zayn wouldn't want him anymore after he heard, but he knew he couldn't keep it from him. He had to tell him, Zayn had to know.

"I went to see him, because of how many times we've talked about it. About having kids, about having a family of our own. I know...how much you want it...and I started wanting it too", said Harry, glancing briefly at Zayn before feeling too afraid to hold eye contact.

"Really? I didn't know you've been feeling that way", Zayn smiled, grabbing Harry's hand on the table and stroking it. "Why didn't you tell me?" His smile so big, it actually hurt his cheeks.

"Wait, Zayn...just", said Harry, pulling his hand away from Zayn and staring down at the table. His shoulders hunched over, avoiding Zayn's gaze. "Just wait until I finish..." he said.

Zayn nervously looked at Harry, not sure why this was bad news. It was GREAT news. He was thrilled that Harry had been thinking about starting a family. He was so excited about it, he thought he might burst from joy. But something was wrong, Harry wasn't behaving like this was good news, so he wanted to know why. He listened intently to what he had to say.

"I went to Dr Hanley about it...because, I just....I wanted him to help me...maybe not be so scared about it...of being a father. And I told him...that we kept talking about it and that you really wanted to have kids...but I was hesitant...and I told him why...and that I thought...I hoped, if I talked it out with him...maybe he could help...and he did, at least the part about why I was so scared of it, but then...he said something else", Harry said. His voice rasped with emotion, his words coming out slowly, in Harry's standard drawl.

Zayn grabbed Harry's hand again, clutching it in both of his. "Ok, Harry, tell me, what did he say, what happened?"

"I told him, you know...that we maybe would want to adopt to start a family....and he said...he wanted to talk to me about that....so, I went back again...to see him and he had a lot to say...but...it....it wasn't good, Zayn."

Harry looked so distraught, so entirely defeated, it was breaking Zayn's heart. Frowning, Zayn asked, "What? What Harry? What did he say, what's wrong?"

"He said, when you do that....adopt...you had to do all kinds of stuff...and that I probably would never be approved to be an adoptive parent", Harry's chest began to heave, he was so upset. "You would be fine, but they would probably never let me adopt", Harry said as he began to sob uncontrollably. "I'm sorry, Zayn. I'm so sorry", he said as his shoulders shook, racked with the pain of knowing he would never become a father, and worse yet, knowing that ZAYN would have to pay the price. He hated himself so much, in that moment, he hated who he was. He couldn't look at Zayn, he was terrified to see the disappointment, the inevitable rejection. How could Zayn ever live with him, ever want to continue to be married to him when HE was the reason Zayn would never have children to call his own. He was sickened at the idea that he was ruining the chance for Zayn to be the father that he wanted to be....and Harry knew he would be great at it, or, he would have been, if he wasn't married to a gigantic, horrible, disgusting loser, like Harry.

Zayn was confused. "Wait, why? Why would he tell you that? Tell you that you probably wouldn't be approved? That doesn't make sense. You're a good person, you're not a criminal, you have an excellent financial situation, we have a beautiful home – why the fuck wouldn't you be approved to adopt? That makes no sense. Why would he even tell you that, what the fuck does Dr. Hanley know about it?"