Picture Perfect [Jincentric]

Day 5

After another day of work, Seokjin is tired. 

But he just can't sleep. Again.

 As the familiar feeling of numbness seeps in, sleep becomes a fleeting chore. He wrestles at nights with the dark and the light trying to find comfort from either side but again, he loses the fight. Eventually, he has become content with his sleepless nights where he finds comfort in his thoughts and memories of the past. At least, when he isn't thinking about 'other' things.

Things seem clearer but only for a while as he fights to take control of the lethargy that creeps up and create night time horror during his sleepless hours.

The dark consumes but sleep still eludes, it appears it has divorced itself from him. He's sleepless at a time when rest is all he needs to refuel him to make it through one more day without the will to live. 

Sleepless, how unfortunate.

Through the night, Jin laments about everything and anything. 

And suddenly, once again Jin doesn't register the fact that he's crying until he feels a salty wetness against his lips. He doesn't even know why he's crying anymore- He just lets it fall. And the tears stream down his face, a route it's grown familiar to. And he doesn't bother trying to wipe them away. When he did, new ones replace them anyway, so what's the point?

Are they tears of sadness? Loneliness?

Jin doesn't know.  

Was there even a trigger? 

Crying had always been a healthy release, but for Jin, it is a habit now. The blue feeling washes in like an unwanted wave, knocking his sandcastles flat. Then what? Is he supposed to construct them again? Get that bucket and spade out and make it pretty all over again? 

But he just lays. No more building, no more castles. Seokjin sits and stares owlishly at the ceiling's familiar grey, more tears, no surprise there. He let them fall, not raising a hand to stop them. They drip down his eyes onto his chin and down his neck, down onto the top of his PJs in a rain-like pattern and soaked in leaving dark splotches on the grey colored fabric. 

Jin frowns. He's so, so tired. Of everything. And he doesn't know what has gotten into him, but he's so tired of feeling like utter crap, and he's willing to try something to make it better. 

He remembers vaguely, something he'd read on the internet sometime back when he actually tried to fight it. So he sits up, sleep's further away than ever, and moving as quietly as he can so as to not wake Yoongi, Seokjin moves to grab a pen and his notebook. 

This notebook was a gift from Jungkook for his birthday last year, and Jin never used it because it is too precious- He doesn't want to ruin it. However, what better time to use it than now? To write down the storm of emotions, this battle- a war that wears him down and wounds him in ways invisible for the world. Especially when there's no guarantee that he'd stay long enough to use it after these 30days are over.

Seokjin thinks that if he were to try this, he should give it his all, right?

Finding a reason to live, he means. 

So, he decides, he'd jot his fight within himself- A journal for his emotional endeavors. It's a coping mechanism. He's always enjoyed writing, so maybe this is actually beneficial?

A smile, a hopeful one, crosses his lips. And he takes out his tiny polaroid camera.

Today, he takes a picture of the notebook- A vow that he's actually trying.