everything i didn't say. (a.i. au)

Letter 18

"And I'm the only one to blame."

Dear, Sophia,

I am so fucking mad at you right now. Do you hear me? I hope you can hear me from heaven.

You wanna know why I'm so angry at you? I met Luke at the playground again. It was the day after Taylor and I went to the movies. It was a cold Saturday night and I couldn't sleep, so I went to the playground and saw him on the slide, sitting at the top, smoking. "What the hell are you doing here?" I asked, not wanting to see him.

"I couldn't sleep," he said.

I rolled my eyes and decided to sit on the monkey bars. We were both silent, the only sound the sounds of cars rushing by. "I caught you and Calum kissing," I said.

"I know," Luke said.

"So you're both gay?" I asked.

"Bisexual," Luke said.

"Great," I said bitterly. It was immediately silent again. And then Luke said something that makes me freeze completely.

"I fucked Sophia," he said.

It took me a moment to process what he just said. "W-What?" I asked, looking up at him.

"I fucked Sophia," he said. "Before she killed herself, I had sex with her. I slept with her."

"W-When?" I asked, swallowing hard.

"The Valentine's Day dance," he said. "We went back to my place after you left. She said she wanted me to take her virginity. She wanted it to be over with."

I remember that dance. I took you to that dance. You were in a dark purple dress that showed off your legs and pushed up your breasts a bit. You looked so sexy. Not only sexy, but gorgeous. But about 2 hours later, I had to leave because Mom was going to work and I had to babysit Harry. I asked you if you wanted me to drop you off, but you said that you'd stay and get a ride from one of your friends. I didn't know that that ride meant getting a ride from Luke to his place to fuck.

I sat there, frozen in time, my limbs not moving. That is until the anger started boiling over. I immediately jumped off of the monkey bars, marched over to the slide, and grabbed Luke's ankles before he could get away. I yanked him down the slide as he cried out and punched him in the face. I yanked him off and punched him again, making him fall to the floor. I began to kick him, but he grabbed my ankle and pulled me down, making me fall to the ground next to him. He crawled on top of me and we started wrestling before Luke pinned me down onto the ground by my wrists. "Get off me!" I yelled, squirming around.

"Ashton, you need to calm down," Luke said.

"Fuck you!" I yelled, my voice cracking. Tears fell down the side of my face.

"I am so sorry, Ashton," Luke said, his voice cracking. "I'm so sorry." He kept me there as I cried, my sobs ripping at my throat and at the sky.

How could you, Sophia? How could you do that to me? I could've taken it if you fucked Luke before when we weren't dating, but you had to do it while we were? Really? What the fuck, Soph? I thought you loved me. God, I wish you were here so I could get some answers.

And you know what the worse part is?

I didn't even get to take your virginity.

It had to be Luke.

Love, Ashton