September 2014, Hungary. Didn't expected that, right ? But yeah, my own experience, my own past took place in Hungary, during our trip to Budapest for the VIXX Fantasia tour. Our Hungarian Starlights had waited for us in front of the hotel booked by our agency. Placards with our names, screams, "Oppa!" hearing just out of the cab. A travel in a new country, I look around me, the hand of the opened car door, and I see nothing except sad and monotonous buildings that aren't really exotic ... I look at the sky and see a undecided weather : rain or snow ? Actually there's kind of humid, sticky and of course, glacial mist.
« - So Leo-ssi is it for today or tomorrow !? » Hyuk asks from me, who's waiting to get out of the car.
It begins well ...
Finally, all of us get out from the cab, and miracle, we were successful to take out our luggages loaded in the car trunk. I look at the scene in silence, N fixes his haircut, Hongbin has his dimples and Ken has his Barbie smile drawn on the face : everything is ok. We're walking, all of us, all the members like a unique entity, to the hotel reception, then to our rooms. The hotel isn't a first class one -it's always like this with our agencies- ... The budget goes into the comebacks, not into our comfort. You have to be strong if you wanna be an idol ... The corridors are straight, in a kind of old grey castle wall color, who becomes green with time and the floor is recover with a cheap black carpet. Here and there, the traditional landscape paintings.
« - Well ! shouts N our leader. Leo and Ravi together! Then Hyuk with Ken and finally Hongbin and I. No objections ? »
Unanimous silence. No objections.
Always in silence, stand up, my luggage and my travel bag in my hand, I follow Ravi who's entering in a room that must be as bland and dull as the corridors and ... And surprise! The room is little but clean, the walls are white and the headboard of the bed is in walnut tree; it's bright and calm. The icing on the cake : a bouquet of flowers (fake of course, don't ask too much) is on a small table and gives a color touch. Fine, we'll sleep well.
Some hours go, we take place in our rooms, taking some rest from the airplane and from the time difference. Each of us take a shower and go visiting others in their rooms, sharing dumb jokes. But I feel weary. I am sickly shy, never feels comfortable with the others, even with people I see every day. The others must think that I hide some injury, or a secret world, or whatever they want ... Well no, nothing of this. I am just myself. The myself who keeps secret in his closed opinions and who crossed tightly the arms, who sees each hand stretched in my direction as an aggression. Sometimes, I really have the feeling that I'm a burden ... But no, we're a band. So, we go beyond that. We often pretend, to not break the ambience, but the team spirit is here and sometimes, real links are formed.
The others members are kind with me, in majority. N, our leader, is strangely the more childish and capricious of the band, he fixes his haircut all the time and want to be under the spotlights. Hyuk, our maknae, is a little reserved too, except when he guffaws of laughter. Ken, our main singer and Ravi, who is our rapper, are the two members with I have the most affinities. Ken because he's in a certain way, the mommy of the band, he takes care of each members and takes attention to not injured to anyone, so it means that I can stay with him without being afraid -in contrary of N, who often hurts me by 'teasing' me on my shyness ...- ; and Ravi because he respects my loneliness in need. If we have the same room, he won't search into my stuff, he won't disturb me if I'm reading, he normally treats me. The one with whom I feel the most uncomfortable is Hongbin ... I can't really explain why, because nothing concrete happened between us, but he always gives me this impression that he's making fun of me ... Well, maybe I'm wrong, sometimes I have too much imagination.
At 9:00pm, we all meet in N's room to eat. How am I making a mistake ? No no our managers prevent us to take our own food, because the meals in the hotel aren't planned during our travel, only the breakfast ... But no worries! Hyuk and Ken are great cookers and they made ramyeons and hot tteokbokki, spicy enough to wake up a dead man. Sit in a circle, tasting our meals. I'm sitting on my knees, in the japanese style, Hongbin is sitting cross-legged and N is lying on the floor. Ravi started to talk about the show that we will have tomorrow. I believe that he's talking about his surprise of the number of fans who are here, in Hungary. Me, like usually, let my thoughts get away quickly from here and I started to detailed the room, the differences with our. It's absolutely identical, except the flowers -always fake- are yellow mimosa instead of red roses. Hakyeon's bed is unwrap and already littered with candies papers ... Hongbin's bed is unwrap too, and covered with clothes and underclothes. Hmmm I am the only one with books I think.
« - Hey Leo ! LEO ! » calls me Ravi.
- Dude, you must not laugh often with him in the evening, giggles N, one more time.
I turn to him by taking a look that I hope black. But Mister N totally doesn't care of it.
- We were talking of being naughty tonight, do you want to stay with us? Ravi gently asks me.
- What ? I don't understand. What do you mean by 'being naughty' ?
- Well, we were thinking to steal some alcohol drinks in the kitchens and made a little improvised party in this room discreetly!
I look at Ravi, speechless, like he has just lost his mental health. This last one knows too my reactions well and without letting me the time to say a word, he continues :
- Listen, we deserved that I think ! For how many long we didn't take real rest ?? We released the last album, did the promo, started the tour, without talking of TV shows, interviews and shootings ... Don't you want to relax and have fun for real just for one time ? he explains, to defend his cause.
This is the speech who's echoing in my head : "Well ... no. I think I am this kind of person who, to find peace, read in silence under the sun, or go to breath at the sea's air with sunset. I don't have any desire to be at this party and one time again, I'm gonna isolate myself. I don't think that drinking the day before the show is reasonable, especially with the time difference." And finally, I would have looked at all the members with a look that means "You deceive me". I think all of this, but I just say:
- No thank you. I'm not interested. Silence. Then, N's sigh, mocking and predictable.
I stand up in silence, go to the door, the hand on the door handle, and saying to my roommates
- Try to not make noises when you'll be back in the room please.» then I go out and close the door. The hand is already on the handle, backed on the doorframe, I feel bad, I take some instants to breathe. I feel bad because I feel again rejected, isolated, different from them. Sometimes I hate being just like that, but I hate their hobbies so much. I left my head lay on my shoulder and breath deeply some seconds, then I heard them through the door.
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Cameo | LeoBin (VIXX) | ENG
FanfictionWe penetrate the thoughts of Leo who speaks directly to the reader and tells us the memory of an intimate moment that he lived with Hongbin, who has touched him deeply.
