A Change Of Directions (Camren)

Chapter 23: Let your guard down

"You are pathetic."

I didn't bother to look up as I took another long drag from my cigarette, wanting it to completely fill my lungs. You could say that I was on some weird self-destruction trip, starting with relatively harmless things like smoking.

All I wanted to do right now was to suck down a whole box of cigarettes, like it was a somewhat helpful solution to my problems. This was my idiotic way of dealing with stress and pain, my way to wallow in self-pity and other self-made hurting feelings.

Just when I wanted to take another drag, my cancer stick got ripped out of my slack fingers and thrown away. Expressionlessly blinking, I stared at the one who had dared to interrupt my attempt to fill my inner emptiness with smoke.

"What the fuck were you thinking?" Was angrily thrown into my direction.

I emotionlessly watched Dinah pacing up and down in fury, wringing with her hands. Shooting me a glare, she stopped in her movements and hissed, "Let me guess, you weren't thinking."

I shrugged.

Dinah scowled and took threatening steps towards me. "Fuck you, Cabello. I actually had plans with Mani this afternoon, but guess what's more exciting? Finding you beneath the bleachers, stinking of smoke and misery."

I blankly stared at her before I shrugged again, leaning against the framework of the bleachers with one shoulder. I put on my Ray Ban shades, not caring that everything around me got darker. It suited my mood at least.

"Really?" Dinah growled, disbelief and anger thick in her voice. "You wanna play cool about it?"

"Where's Shawn." I casually asked, not reacting to her question. If someone had questions, then it would be me. I didn't ask for Dinah to be my shrink and even if I needed one, I would have preferred Shawn to play that role because he at least wasn't going to give me shit first. I didn't need anyone to remind me that I was a big fuck-up, I was well aware of that.

"Quit that shit."

Though Dinah wasn't able to see anything going on behind my shades, I raised one eyebrow anyway. "Why are you here if you obviously have better things to do?"

She groaned in frustration and shook her head, hands massaging her forehead.

"Do I look like I wanna be here?" She snidingly replied. "I'm doing this for Lauren, you idiot. She missed school today, so I called her to ask about her and what did I hear from Mama Jauregui? That Lauren's not feeling well, been crying in her locked up bedroom yesterday. Now guess whom I'm gonna blame."

My insides painfully churned and twisted, and I hated myself now more than ever. On the outside though, I appeared to be unaffected by that information.

"Why should I be the reason?" I calmly asked, ignoring the way my brain screamed, how can you be not the reason?

Dinah grinded her teeth, her cheeks were tainted red with fury.

"If you weren't the reason, then you would've jumped at this information and demanded me to take you to her. But now." She paused to shoot me disappointed look, "you're standing here like it doesn't bother you when I know you're dying inside."

Well, she was dead on, no denying it.

I should start to appreciate my friendship with Dinah more. Granted, it wasn't a very healthy friendship if we called each other names all the time, but we did it with affection. As much affection as insults allowed. But she had the guts to tell me off and openly point out my flaws at every occasion she got. Even if her snide remarks weren't exactly an ego booster, they certainly held truth and if someone was brutally honest, then it would be her. She would be real with me.