jeongyeon,
do you know what the word "joy" is?
it was the feeling of when I first texted you.
i was nervous as hell, not wanting to screw anything up.
my palms grew very sweaty as I kept on retyping the messages that I wanted to send
you.
"hi" ugh no that's too lame... "hey girl" no now i sound like a player...
my heart grew heavy as soon as I saw the words "seen" at the bottom of my text.
did you see my text or were you just brushing through messages?
the erratic thumping of my heart was driving me into a deeper panic as I glanced at the words "💜 is typing" on my screen.
"hi! you're jimin right?" i still remember the exact words. more specifically, I remembered myself endlessly refreshing the message, staring at it.
i shouldn't have done that.
i should have just deleted your number as fast as i could, and cut off any relation i had with you.
and i shouldn't have texted you. if i knew that just talking to you through a screen would bring me so much happiness that you could shatter within a second, i wouldn't have taken the risk.
and fuck, i didn't know how much this was going to cause me. i didn't know that you'd be my supply of oxygen, and that it felt that i couldn't live without you. i hated the fact that text by text, you would possess me whole.
but because i didn't know the pain that you were going to cause to me, jeongyeon, i happily replied.
soon, we talked for hours; that was the feeling of joy.
every time you texted me back, that was the feeling of joy.
when you asked me about my work at the cafe, that was the feeling of joy.
the fact that I could just pour to you about my shitty work and social life, that was the feeling of joy.
jeongyeon, you showed me what joy was.
and i'll never forgive you for that.
-jimin
