jeongyeon,
do you know what the word "heartache" is?
it was the feeling of when you didn't show up for our first year anniversary.
i specially took a day off that day, just so that i could prepare for the date night.
you wouldn't leave me hanging again, wouldn't you?
would you?
that present left untouched on the dining table, you never saw it.
those petals that were spread on the floor into a heart shape, you never appreciated it.
the song that i composed and wrote for you hours on end, you never heard it.
jeongyeon, why were you so selfish?
you texted me at 9.03 pm exact.
"sorry, have to be at work OT. love you
xoxox jeong"
was your work more important than me?
yes, i am someone of a lower status than you.
but this someone has feelings.
and is your supposed boyfriend.
you forgot that.
because you're just so selfish.
whenever you don't do something, you take a piece of my soul with you.
and that night, i really, really wanted to leave you.
but i couldnt.
you were like a torture magnet, always attracting me and ending up hurting me, but i always crawl back to you. i'm such a mess.
that night, i drank.
and i drank.
the dizzy and high me was still staring at the door, expecting you to walk in and surprise me with a present or just a hug, or just uttering the words "happy anniversary", but it never happened.
i wanted it to be a nightmare, but it wasn't.
it was reality, jeongyeon. it became a fact that you didn't actually put me as your first, even if i did for you.
i thought you'd remember.
but you didn't.
why?
and when you came home that night or morning, not a word was heard from you.
tears slipped from my eyes that night. and you didn't even know.
once again, you chipped a piece of my heart and took it with you.
what you didn't do, that was the feeling of heartache.
that night, when you didn't say the words "happy anniversary" or "i love you" at all, that was the feeling of heartache.
when you ignored the decorations in the living room and went straight to bed without uttering a word, that was the feeling of heartache.
and that was when i realised.
that smell... it did not smell like your perfume.
it instead smelt like a cologne... a man's cologne.
how could you?
why did you?
and just when i wanted to cry into someone's arms, i realised: it couldn't be you.
how was i not enough for you?
i remember clenching my teeth so hard, just wanting to end it with you, jeongyeon.
but instead, i chose to let it slide.
i chose to torture myself in silence as i imagined all of the times that you ditched me... were you with that guy?
i shouldn't have let it slide.
i should have just ended it with you there and then.
i could have just spared myself of this heartache that you caused to me.
but i didn't.
and for that i really, really fucking hate you.
jeongyeon, you showed me what heartache was.
and I'll never forgive you for that.
-jimin
