jeongyeon,
do you know what the word "shock" is?
it was the feeling of seeing you drunk when i least expected it.
the evening was beautiful with its purple and orange hues in the sky. i had texted you earlier to come home for a surprise.
dinner was sushi, your favourite.
i spent hours trying to create the perfect meal so that you and i could have a nice dinner together.
but alas, it was all a fantasy of mine.
how silly was i, thinking that you actually wanted to eat with me.
we were a couple after all. why couldn't i imagine that we were happy together?
minutes soon turned into hours as i stared at the clock. that doorknob never twisted and that door never opened even when my eyes stared longingly at it to open, waiting for you to burst into the apartment and eat the dinner that had turned stale from waiting.
at midnight, even the sun took a rest and the moon came out to see my teary eyes.
when i didn't see you, that was the feeling of shock.
but when i did see you, that was also the feeling of shock.
your hair was in a mess, and your shirt was buttoned halfway and tucked out.
you limped to the couch in an unstable manner and fell on it lazily.
you reeked so bad of liquor. you knew i hated drinking, and yet i was still attracted to your closed eyes and heavy breathing.
because you were such a beautiful mess, jeongyeon. no matter how much you would hurt me, i always find myself stupidly coming back to you, only to be hurt again.
you were never the party type, were you?
looks like i was wrong.
your phone beeped from your back pocket
.
1 new message from jihyo.
"so, how was today? sorry you missed the date tho. i knew he was important to you, but he got a little clingy."
jeongyeon, did you always feel this way to me?
as i'm writing these notes, i already know the answer: yes. even now, i still wait for you to say those eight letters to me. even if it was a year later, i would gladly accept your apology and love to me. but you never did. your loving and caring facade attracted me, but i was repelled by your stubbornness and inability to care for me.
i held on to you and whispered, "why?"
that was the word that you never heard.
because selfishness was a part of you that i never realised existed.
shock was just a confined word, it restricted all the pain that was felt that night into one box.
i wanted to make you happy.
but you chipped a piece of my heart instead.
that altogether, was the feeling of shock. more specifically, pain.
jeongyeon, you showed me what shock was.
and i'll never forgive you for that.
-jimin
