Red vs Blue Season 1

Episode 3

Red Base

Simmons, Scout, and Grif stand on top of Red Base. While a soldier in red armor named Donut comes up behind them.

Simmons: Hey, that is not what happened.

Grif: Yes it is. You said "I'm not going to the Vegas quadrant," And then the next thing I know your in an escape pod heading for-

Donut: Excuse me, Sirs?

Grif: Sirs? Ah crap.

Donut: I was told to report to Bloodgulch outpost number one and speak to whoever is in charge.

Grif: Sorry man, Sarge is at Command getting orders. Ain't nobody in charge today.

Scout: Sorry Grif but, he left Simmons and I in charge.

Grif: (Sighs) Of course he did.

Simmons: Yeah and he told me, if I had any trouble with you I should (clears throat then poorly imamates Sarge) "Git in the warthog and crush your head open like a tomato can."

Scout: What. The. Actual. Hell Simmons. Anyways I'm Scout. What's your name rookie?

Donut: Private Donut reporting for duty Ma'am. Ready to fight some aliens.

Grif: Couple things here, rookie. First off, Private Donut? I think somebody needs a new nickname. Secondly, what's with the armor color?

Donut: This IS the standard issue red.

Grif: Yeah, I know. Listen. Only two types of people wear standard-issue armor: officers and recruits. And since you're not threatening to gut me like a fish, you're probably not an officer.

Donut: Well, they're wearing red armor.

Scout: Mines a bit darker than the standard issue. Plus I have my green stripes and my little medical symbol on my shoulder.

Simmons: And my armor is Maroon. Yours is red.

Donut: Well, how do I get a different color armor?

Simmons: I bet the Blues don't have to put up with this kind of crap.

Scout: (shrugs) Who knows?

Blue Base

Church, Tucker, Sammy, and a soldier in standard-issue blue armor named Caboose are looking at a tank.

Caboose: So I say to the guy, "How're you gonna get the tank down to the planet?" And he goes, "I'll just put it on the ship," and I go, "If you've got a ship that can carry a tank, why not just put guns on the ship and use it instead?"

Tucker: Hey, kid.

Caboose: Yeah?

Tucker: You're ruining the moment. Shut up.

Caboose: Oh. Okay. You got it, man!

Church: You know what? I could blow up the whole goddamn world with this thing.

Sammy: Agreed. Also Caboose.

Caboose: Yeah?

Sammy: Just ignore Tucker. He's a dick a good 85% of the time.

Tucker: Hey!

Red Base

Simmons: Okay, Private Donut, here's the deal.