The Mask (ON HIATUS)

Chapter 6: Suicidal Thoughts

Helen's P.O.V.

I don't really know when or how I woke up; I guess the bleeding must have stopped. Damn, that's a shame. I know that it's not healthy to be thinking this way but my mind and everyone around me started telling me how worthless I was and how I should die so I've started to believe it so I'm slightly disappointed that it didn't happen. Why won't anyone let me end my misery, pain and suffering or would that be too easy? Is someone trying to torture me? Laughing at my pain? Keeping me alive just so I can feel the pain that I feel every single day. What if this never stops? What if I feel this pain for the rest of my life? What then? Will they get bored and let me end all of this pain? If so then why not let me end it sooner rather than later and make me go through all this pain?

I just want it to end already. But no. I can't do that I need to show that I can pull through this. It would just be an easy way out and people would just think that I'm weak. I need to show that I'm not weak and I can live through this and sort my life out.

Have you ever heard the saying/quote 'The moment you're ready to quit is usually the moment right before a miracle happens, don't give up?' If not then now you have but that is what I live by. Although at the minute it doesn't seem like I'm going anywhere. Hope is all that's keeping me together right now but I'm losing all hope and faith with the more pain I go through. I just don't know what I can do to stop all this hurt that goes through me.

Shaking my head, attempting to get these thoughts out of my head, I checked the time. 6:15 Am. Ok good, I can get ready and go to school early today. Okay, I know what you're thinking: why would anyone want to go to school early? Well the answer to that would be because I don't want to be hit this morning and I do actually like learning and I like my classes but it's mainly the first reason so I slowly got out of bed making sure that I don't hit my cuts on anything because I don't want to get blood on anything.

I took a shower, got dressed, grabbed my car keys and left, not even taking a glance back and then I realised something. I left the baby at home. Shit.

Oh god, I can't go back there but I need the baby for the assessment but at the same time I don't want to get hit this morning.

After debating with myself for a little while I decided that I would just leave it at my house for today because I really don't want to go to school with more bruises on me than I already have, speaking of which I forgot to cover them up this morning so I just have to hope that no one notices the bruise on my neck. Just the thought of someone noticing and finding it has my stomach churning. I just want to get this day over with already.

_~_

It's lunchtime now so only one hour left to go till I can get out of this hell hole they call a school. Also, I have thankfully managed to avoid James and to be honest I'd like to keep it that way. I'd really rather not talk to him today it would probably be extremely awkward for the both of us and I'm really not very good in an awkward situation especially when it's about me and my life. Unfortunately, though, I have to see him in health and social which is my 5th period...oh god. Someone kill me now, please. I might just skip next period, no I can't or my parents will hurt me even more so that's not an option. I guess I have no choice to go to that class. Maybe I could just ignore him and focus on the work, yeah! That sounds like a good idea it also sounds like something I would do.

When the end of lunch bell went off and I kept this idea in my head as I walked into class and sat down. I thought my plan was going to go great until I saw him. After I took in what he looked like, my whole mind went completely blank. His hair was messy like he had literally just woke up, he had blood shot eyes from lack of sleep, his clothes looked really rugged, basically he looked like shit. I automatically felt bad and I don't know why but I couldn't help but think that this was my fault. I felt so guilty that I almost cried...almost. I don't even get why he's been nothing but horrid to me since freaking primary school and it has just gotten worse and worse over the years. Sometimes I just wish I was invisible, that way I wouldn't get picked on all the time and maybe I wouldn't feel like killing myself every night, maybe...just maybe I would be a little happier.

I was so lost in my own thoughts that I didn't hear the chair screech as someone pulled it away from the desk; I was only brought out of my thoughts as someone poked me. I looked beside me, wondering who would want to sit next to me, I noticed that it was James and realised that I had to sit next him for this project. It was at that moment that I remembered my plan and that I left the baby at home, I instantly felt guilty again.

*poke* He poked me again but I ignored it this time and tried to concentrate on my work.

*poke*

*poke*

*poke*

Ok now he was starting to annoy me but I still didn't want to talk to him because honestly I didn't want to cry and show how weak I am to everyone in this class so they have one more thing to laugh at me about.

*poke*

Okay, I was fed up now. I turned to look at him and I immediately was taken aback by his annoyed expression. What is he annoyed at? What did I do? Oh yeah, it must be what I told him or something. He's probably annoyed that I was being such a freaking wimp and crying in front him but I couldn't help it he had made me upset and it just came out, what was I supposed to do? Come out and say it was all a joke? I don't think so; I probably would have ended up crying, even more, wishing that it was a joke.

"Oi bitch where is the fucking baby!?" He whisper-yelled at me. I started to cower back at his harsh tone but I managed to answer him.

"I-it's at m-my house" I stuttered out.

"And what the fuck is it doing at your house nerd?" He was getting louder now. A few people turned to look at us.

"I l-left my h-house early t-this morning and f-forgot to pick i-it up. I-I'm s-s-sorry" I could barely talk now and tears were starting to cloud my vision now as I thought about home if I can even call it that, It's more like a prison than a home. I've tried to call social services but my parents somehow found out and put on an act to convince them that they were perfect parents just so that they could continue using me as a punching bag. I guess I'm just not good enough so god feels the need to punish me, not that I even believe in a god simply because if there was maybe I wouldn't have such a shitty life.

I noticed that his eyes started to soften and he looked slightly concerned but that barely lasted a second before he quickly covered it up with a hard look.

"Fine. But if you forget it again I will personally make your life living hell" He spoke, his mean demeanour starting to crumble.

"Like you haven't already" I quietly mumbled.

"What?" He said angrily and his teeth gritted.

"N-nothing" I quickly stuttered, hoping that he would buy it. I could tell he didn't but he let it slid for some reason.

"That's what I thought," He said but it was like he was putting up an act now like he was trying to impress people by meaning mean to me. I didn't understand it.

I looked away and turned to the board to continue answering that questions that were on it but apparently our teacher had a different idea.

"Do you two have something that you would like to share with the class?" She spoke with a sickly sweet voice which I think everyone knew was fake.

I quickly shook my head to say no, not trusting my voice to do anything right now.

"No? Ok then well since you were talking during class and won't say what you were talking about then I guess you won't mind a detention" She said in her annoying voice. When I had registered what she said my eyes went wide, not believing what she said.

Holy shit.

Kill. Me. Now.

A/N

Hey, guys. I'm so terribly sorry that I haven't updated in absolute ages but I've been having a bit of writers block so I haven't been able to write anything but I've finally updated and I hope you liked the chapter. Sorry, it's short but I did my best. I know it's not very good but I honestly hope you like it and if so please leave a comment, I would really appreciate it and it gives me the motivation to update more.

I hope you enjoyed.

Thank you soo much for reading this book, you have no idea how much this means to me, honestly.

I'll update as soon as I can, I promise.

I love all of you so much and thank for supporting this book.

Until next time.

Poppy xx