DANGEROUS ARRANGEMENTS

THORNY REGRETS

Now mid- May 2002, the celebrated enthusiasm over Peter getting married to Sherin just one year before was beginning to fade to troubling suspicions.

I was due to give birth to my third child in less than two weeks and also celebrate my sons first birthday, both of which my parents were going to miss because of their upcoming trip to India.

The pain of continued rejection from them only calloused my heart further, and easily allowed for me to believe that I was left to my own devices where my survival was concerned.

And although my father interacted with me more than he did in those years after I gave birth to Charisma, we still never fully engaged as I had hoped we would.

Knowing that I had been duped into believing that some sort of restoration would take place between us only added to my sadness.

And albeit far from my grasps, I still longed for my father's acceptance and affections.

But rather than focus on what I couldn't change, I tried to assert what little control I had in my life by hanging on to high hopes that one day, we would find our way back to each other.

My husband, now disgruntled over the fact my parents were leaving to India again at the same time I was due to give birth, and also missing our son's first birthday, decided to take his frustrations on me.

He would remind me as often as possible that my parents couldn't care less for me, and because of that, he was also being treated very poorly.

Frustrated with the outcome of my life until this point, I continued to receive to his unending ridicule, and waited like a sitting duck for the next disaster to take place in my life.

But while we were planning to celebrate Cameron's first birthday party without my parents, we suddenly learned that my mother forfeited her plans to join my father on this upcoming trip to India, which was now only days away.

Uncertain of the reason why she wasn't going anymore, I asked my mother and was told that my father thought it best she stay behind and be present when I gave birth.

Surprised that she agreed to, I accepted her reason as sufficient and didn't question it further until my husband insisted that the real reason why she wasn't going had more to do with her not wanting to see Sherin since all the chaos surrounding her behavior over the last few months had come to light.

I didn't see the point of debating him over it and instead chose to be content that she was going to be present when I gave birth.

My father, however, left for India as planned on the 20th of May which also happened to be my one year wedding anniversary.

Two days later we celebrated my son's first birthday, and exactly seven days after that, I gave birth to my third child, a baby girl named, Cristianna.

After a relatively easy labor compared to my other two children, she was born in the early morning of May 29th, 2002.

I remember the nurse handing her to me and me looking at her beautiful little face, thinking that I was a terrible mother for wanting to terminate my pregnancy.

Overwhelmed with emotions I wept and held her close, thanking God that I didn't proceed with a decision that I know I would have lived to regret.

In the previous months during my pregnancy, I had shared with the Doctor overseeing my care that I wanted a more permanent solution not to have any more children.

For fear that I would get pregnant again by my husband, I desperately explained to her that this was the only way I could prevent it from happening.