Coward | kth

34

34 | Guilt

I don't know at what time I enter my room this evening. It's late, that is for sure, and I feel like I am hovering over the floor.

Hazily, I let myself fall on the stool standing on my makeup desk. It is surprising that I keep a straight face when I see my own reflection in the mirror.

What catches my attention first is my smeared mascara, providing me with the appearance of a sad panda. I ruffle through my hair, vainly trying to fix the mess Taehyung made out of it. And then, once again, I notice my rosé lips; swollen á la Kylie Jenner gone wrong.

Suddenly, my gaze falls onto a spot on my neck, almost right above my collarbone. My skin there is red-purplish, like a small skin bleeding. I run my finger over it just to check, because in reality I already know what it is. A hickey.

I haven't even noticed when exactly Taehyung left that on my skin. But then again, the apocalypse could've had started outside and I probably wouldn't have noticed it either.

I sigh. This evening was... intense.

I mean, if someone would've told me yesterday that I would be making out with Taehyung on our dining table in the middle of the night, I probably would've laughed at them. And here I am now...

It's just... I don't feel dirty, but to say I have a clear conscience would be an empty assertion. There is one name jumping around in my mind, arising an overwhelming guilt in myself.

Mina.

I don't know how I would've felt if my boyfriend would make out with his ex on the day we break up. Humiliated, probably. Only the thought of it makes me sick to the very pit of my stomach already.

Do I regret making out with Taehyung?

No.

Was it too rushed, too impulsive?

Yes.

Yes, it was most definitely too rushed. However, it happened. We'll never be able to turn back time, so overthinking won't do anything helpful at all.

Freshly showered, I lay in my bed 20 minutes later, with my hands clasped over my blanket as if I am a corpse. I remain in this position in a remarkable span of time, but neither my mind nor my body is willing to shut its system down.

I don't understand why though, the pillows are fluffed, the temperature in my room is perfect, even my favourite night light is on but no matter how hard I try, I just can't get to sleep. My eyes are open like the entrance to a tunnel. I just keep on staring at the bare ceiling.

In this night, I stay awake a long time in the dark, for two hours, thinking and not thinking, in that barren state which is not sleep, nor yet full wakefulness, and which is a painful strain.

And when I am finally starting to get blessed by the long anticipated slumber, I can't help but let the last thought of the day sneaking into my mind be of Taehyung.

If this day will ever be rewinded for some odd reasons, I won't think twice about kissing him again.

~•~

The next morning I awake to soft sheets, and the morning light trickle in through the blinds. Shedding myself of the remaining glimpses of a dream, my eyes are still shut as I soak in the warmth of my covers before letting my doe eyes see the sun's rays.

I yawn, slowly stretching my legs as my eyelids still flutter of drowsiness. Then I smile slightly. I am convinced by the fact that today is going to be a good day. In fact - I can feel it. If the birds singing outside and the few feather clouds moving across the azure blue sky aren't evidence for that thesis, then I don't know either.