Collaboration || Dan Smith

Sixty-Four.

When we get back to my place Lana takes her coat off and hangs it up on the white banister. I put mine on top of hers, it's no shit that we're going out later to celebrate anyway. But for now...

"I guess I'll go and..." Lana grabs the two thin long boxes out of the 5p plastic bag. I nod my head while pointing to the kitchen, "I'll make some tea or...something?" I need to distract myself. "Yeah...okay..." Lana whispers falsely smiling. I think it's best if I just ignore her tears, she doesn't want to make a big deal.

   "Just...don't look at it before I come up. Okay?" Lana once again nods her head. "Come here" I whisper with my arms wide open. Lana who is standing on the bottom stair hugs me tightly. "It's going to be okay." I whisper as she breaks into million pieces.

   "Yeah." Lana falsely smiles before she quickly pulls back. I can't see her face so I know it's probably red raw from the tears. As soon as Lana slowly walks up the stairs one by one I walk into the kitchen.

Me being me I shut the door and walk over to the kettle. I flick the switch. The funny thing is as soon as the kettle starts to warm up...I cry. It's stupid but I'm fucking terrified. After last time...Jesus. I hold my head as I get a headache. I don't think my body can handle holding another baby...who is gone.

I don't even think Lana can hold a baby without throwing abuse at it. I mean...my little nephew fucking loves her. He laughs while she calls him a monster. Honestly...we're both kind of fucked up people.

That's when I feel this...stabbing pain coming from my heart. "Breathe...breathe..." I whisper to myself as all of a sudden it really hurts to breathe. Jesus Christ what is wrong with me now? I cannot even move my arm.

I ignore it and stand deadly still, trying not to breathe - or move for that matter - because of the heart pain.

A minute later and I can move my arm again. I take small breathes before carrying on as usual. While yes that was weird - it's not exactly happened before. I've been suffering these things ever since Bee died. I guess it's just anxiety and the depression. The pain is probably all in my head. I'm not a doctor - far from it - but I'm not worried.

Instead I make the tea and with my foot, I open the kitchen door. I know it isn't hygienic but no one ever closes or opens it - I just it it because I don't want to scare Lana with my emotions. She's already terrified of the possible answers.

   I carefully climb up the stairs and into the room. I didn't hear her come out of the toilet but Lana sits on the bed cross legged...holding two tests. She's been drinking a fuck load of water in preparation. "Have you looked yet?" I whisper setting both of the drinks down on the bedside table.

   Lana in silence shakes her head. "We've got another minute." She whispers while I lay besides her. "Whatever the outcome is...we just got to be positive." Lana who is drying her eyes sarcastically laughs. "Positive? If I'm not up the duff then I'm ill. If I'm not ill then I'm knocked up. They are both really shitty things that I have never wanted to experience." I close my eyes for a few seconds and nod my head. I don't know what to say to calm her. Reassurance doesn't seem to affect her at all.

   Instead I put one hand on her shoulder and sit myself up. Since the wardrobe opposite our bed and the door is a mirror we both look into it. "Later me and you can go somewhere fancy...maybe even go to a hotel for the night?" Fuck knows why am I saying that when Lana is straight up facing one of her biggest fears.

"After today...I just want to sleep. You know?" Of course I nod my head. I know exactly how she is feeling. A couple of seconds later I go to say something but her phone - of which she must've set a five minute alarm - rings.

Both me and Lana look at each other. Tears fill up both of our eyes. "It's okay." I rub her back. Lana features to turning the tests over and I nod my head looking at them.

In silence she turns it over. "No!" The word falls out of Lana's mouth as she drops both of the tests. I on the other hand hold her tightly while she cries. "I promise it's going to be okay." This time...this time I'm doing things differently.

   "No it's not!" Lana cries in hysteria. "Shhh..." I whisper as I kiss her cheek pretty hard. I don't meant to but she is hysterical and I need to calm her down. I just hold her while she cries.

   This was not the right 'surprise birthday present' I was meaning to give her.