-of chaos and beauty

[dear you]

dear you,

i miss you. i miss our late night talks, our fangirling about stranger things, our random video calls, and our super tight friendship. i miss how close we are, how we could talk about anything anytime and how it just felt right. i miss how you would send me pictures and videos of your dog summer, and those random pics of our friends.

you're one of the greatest things to happen to me. you are such an amazing friend, and i wish we could go back to before. i had your back when you needed me, and you too had mine. i always knew i could trust you, even through all our falling outs. like most friends do, we fought. but the important thing is we always managed to make up and forgive each other, and just go back to how we used to be.

i didn't mean to fall in love. it wasn't sudden, or something i've always known. it was more like a realisation. we did what we usually did, talk and sing and crack the worst jokes, then i realised that the way i felt for you was different from how i felt with my other friends. we hadn't been friends that long, but i could always freely be myself with you. you accepted people for who they are, you made sure that your friends felt loved and appreciated, and though my friends do that too, yours was different. i love my friends, and i love you. but the way i love you is different.

my love for you is like waves crashing through a shore. strong, fierce, and persistent. it keeps coming and coming and you can't prevent it. suppressing it would only make it come back, stronger and fiercer than ever. at times, it is like the wind. you have no control over it, none at all, and it yearns to be felt. it yearns to be known, to be acknowledged, to be proclaimed to the world. but unlike the waves, it does not hit you with such ferocity. no, it only gives you a small taste of how it feels like to be loved so deeply. on those days, the wind leaves merely a feather-like touch that leaves you wanting more.

but you don't. you made it clear that you didn't want that kind of love, that your friendship was all you could offer. i respect your decision. i can't force you to love me. but i can't help but feel a stab of pain as you said the words i knew were coming.

we drifted apart. there's not a day i don't think of you, not a day i don't just feel the regret of ruining what we had crash down on me. i let the waves crash through, i let the wind blow you away, i let out my feelings and in the end i lost a friend. i still write about you, quite a lot actually. you've made my life amazing, and i never got to thank you.

so here i am, thanking you. i know this started off bad, and it still probably is bad until the end, but i needed to get this off my chest. writing has always been my outlet for as long as i can remember. even when you hurt me, even when we drifted apart, you still helped me with my writing like before. although now, you're the topic of my creations.

thank you for everything you've given me. i can't express my gratitude enough. words can't cover everything i feel for you, but this is a pretty good start. you've been a great friend, with a good heart, and a kind soul. i'm lucky to have been your friend, even for a short period of time. but in that time, you've made me so happy that my heart aches just thinking of it. we shared many tears, many laughs, and many heart to hearts. i'll treasure every one if them, and i promise i'll never forget you.

well, this is the end of this letter. one day, i'll let you read everything i wrote for you and everything i wrote about you. maybe i'll write a book, maybe i'll send a compilation of handwritten letters, i don't know. but i do know that one day, you'll see just how much i loved you. goodbye, i miss you, and i'll love you for as long as i can love, if not romantically, then simply as a friend.

-love, me