365 days of Darkness (pt. 2) // Z.M.

Day 288

May 6th, 2010

I woke up at Doniya's and, after she forced me to eat breakfast, I walked back home. I didn't wanted to go, but I knew I had to. I always liked to see how much I had disappointed my Mom and all that, you know ? Such joyful moments. 

I tried to make no sound as I entered the house, praying for my Mom to be at work or something. But she wasn't. As soon as I stepped inside of the house, I saw her sitting at the kitchen chair, staring at the door. Yeah, I was trapped. She didn't said a thing, she didn't moved. But I knew I had to sit right now if I wanted to stay alive. 

So I made a few steps and headed to the kitchen. I took a sit on the chair right in front of my Mom. She had a cup of tea in her hands, I was almost afraid she would threw it at me. She really seemed that angry. 

- What were you thinking ?

I shrugged and looked down to the table. I couldn't looked at her in the eyes, it was just... Too much. Yeah, I was sorry and stuff, but I didn't wanted to put those feelings into sentences.

- I know how you're feeling and everything, but it's...

The "I know" clearly made me lose it. How could she know ? Had she lost her soul mate at some point in her life when she was already low enough to think about leaving everything behind ? Had she ? 

- YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ! I shouted before getting up.

I didn't wanted to hear what she had to say next. I fucking didn't wanted that. So I rushed out of the kitchen and down the stairs. That was were I found Alexis' room. Almost like she left it. She didn't had much and her Mom didn't wanted her stuck. So it was still there. 

I crawled into bed, her smell was everywhere. And I let myself do the one thing I didn't had done since I learned the news. 

I cried.

I cried so fucking much, my head in her pillow. She was all around me, it was like she was still there, except that she wasn't. Oh gosh, that still hurts. 

I wrapped myself in the blankets even though it was quite a hot day. I was just curled up on myself, crying and trying to breath. And, once again, the clear thought of that came to my mind.

I want to die.

That was what I thought. I thought that I just wasn't able to handle all of this pain, that I couldn't lived with that. Oh gosh, how I was right... It is painful to live with that hole in my chest. And it's worst and worst every day. 

I don't know how many time I cried. A long, long time. But I still had tears when I fell asleep, holding one of her sweater to my heart. 

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Hey guys ! What are you thinking about that ?