365 days of Darkness (pt. 2) // Z.M.

Day 329

June 16th, 2010

It wasn't even ten in the morning when Doniya knocked on my door, before trying to enter my room and making a lot of noise. I had thought that I could at least use my no-work day by sleeping a bit, which I, for once, seemed able to do. But I needed to have Doniya as my sister and she was fucking annoying. When she finally unlocked my door, she started to jump on the bed. 

She didn't stopped until I got up, took some clothes in my drawers and headed to the shower. It was only the morning, I didn't knew how I would survive a day with her. I used to like it so much when we were hanging out just the two of us but... Things change, don't they ?

When I got out of my room, I was all clean, dressed and fucking stoned. I knew I shouldn't get high so much, but I just couldn't helped it. It was helping me not to start to scream at everybody and lose it. As soon as I put on feet on the last stair, Doniya grabbed my arm and leaded me outside. I was lucky I had thought about her doing that, so I had put my shoes when I was upstairs instead of in the entry. 

She never let go of my arms, even though I tried to get out of her grip a few times. She was always holding me harder, so I just blew and gave up. She wasn't talking, but I knew she really wanted to. But she kept her damn mouth shut until we were sitting in that small breakfast restaurant not so far away from our house. I was looking at the menu while waiting for the waitress to come, and I didn't knew what to choose. I just froze there. I didn't wanted to eat, I didn't deserved having people wasting their times doing food for me when I was such a mess, such a crap, such on the border of death. So I took the smallest thing in there, just some eggs with a toast, while Doniya choose a pancake with an English muffin and a big chocolate milk. Then, when our orders were done and that we were all alone, she finally spoke.

- What's going on with you, Zayn ?

I shrugged, I didn't wanted to talk about it. "Fucking hell..." I heard her whispered. Food came way faster than I had thought it would, so Doniya soon had something in her mouth to keep her busy. But still. It wasn't enough to keep her from saying what she wanted to say. 

- Fuck, Zayn ! You used to tell me almost everything, before ! Why aren't you opening up anymore ? I know, you're hurt and everything, I can understand. You went through so much during the last year, I get it. But you don't need to push us away. You're just making everything worst by doing this, to everyone. 

I was stuck to the part of her speech when she said she could "understand". No, she couldn't. She wasn't even near understanding what had happening in my life lately. 

- Trying to punish yourself won't bring her back, Zayn. She's gone and...

I didn't even let her finished. I couldn't. I pushed my chair and ran out of the restaurant. I didn't cared what people could have thought of me. I just ran away, because I didn't wanted people to talk to me about Alexis. No one knows how it feels like. Absolutely no one. 

I spent the rest of the day out, always changing places so Doniya wouldn't caught me. I only came back home when it was really late and that I was sure she was sleeping. I just went into my bedroom and fell on my bed. 

She was lucky I had been high because I don't know what I could have said to hurt her and to push her away from me. 

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Long entry, yet... It's shit, I know and I'm sorry. I just have so much going on right now, with my friends and school so... yeah.