365 days of Darkness (pt. 2) // Z.M.

Day 303

May 21th, 2010

I left home quite early in the morning, and I didn't came back that day. I needed to breath a bit, I needed to stop seeing or earring Doniya. It was too hard to handle for my broken heart. I found myself walking in Bradford, going nowhere particular, just walking with my music on. 

I spent all day outside, stopping only once to buy something for lunch at a coffee shop. It seemed like I was normal, probably. Just a random teenager walking in the streets to go somewhere. But, fuck, I wasn't just a normal teenager. I was destroyed inside. 

It was early at night when I finally stopped walking and entered somewhere. Somewhere I shouldn't have been. A bar. Yeah. They let me in quite easily, I was looking older than just sixteen. I was looking way older than just a few months ago. My eyes were empty, I was taller, I had a bit of beard on my chin, I was older. I had lived, already, too much. So, getting inside of a bar wasn't so difficult. 

I drank a lot that night. But not enough to forget what happened. I was sitting on a bench, playing with my half-empty glass. And I was thinking. Well, my thoughts weren't very clear, but I can try to summarize them for you. 

I was thinking about how much of a jerk I was. I should have been at home, holding Doniya or watching movies with her. Something like that. But I was in a bar, no one knew about it, I was drunk and I wanted to forget. I was tired of fighting the memories anymore. 

And I understood my Dad, a bit. Why he was drinking so much after Safaa's diagnostic. Still, I don't understand why he clenched his fist, but I understand the drinking part. When you drink, your world fades a bit, leaving it easier to live in it. Your thoughts become lighter, they seem easier to carry on. That was how I was feeling and it was quite incredible, if you take as a fact that I usually was walking with that fucking pain in my chest. Drinking made me feel a bit better, for a moment. 

At 4AM, the bar closed, so I found myself wasted on the streets. I surely wasn't going home. So I just walked, for a long time. But I didn't walked far. My legs were shaking, all of my body was. My head was spinning and it felt so good... I couldn't remember much of anything. There was still pain in my chest, I couldn't explained where it was coming from, so it was better that way. 

At some point, I just laid on the ground. In the middle of the road. It wasn't a boulevard or anything huge, just a small lost road. But I laid there and watched the sun raised. And I waited for a car to come over. To roll over me and to end my pain. But it never happened. And no one never knew how much I wished it would have. 

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