let's pretend we're numb

18.1 suicidal thoughts

I woke up it was morning the doctor knocked on my door

"come in," I said quietly she came in this time it wasn't doctor grey this time it was a girl doctor she had red hair  soon realized Jah was no longer in my arms she sat down at the edge of the bed 

"Im April, I heard about your case," she said I nodded 

"my baby also had osteo," she said I sat up a little more

"I was heartbroken and I was mad and sad but I knew God had something to do with it and he did I had lost him for a while but now I have a beautiful baby girl Harriet," she said half smiling

"all I wanted to say is it gets better God did this for a reason ok," she said I nodded and hugged her she left and closed the door I instantly broke down crying ski burst in the door with bags in his hands he put them down and hugged me I fought back "im.....tired.....of......the hugs.......of the doctors coming in here.....telling me it's ok....When it's NOT.....It's my fault" I cried breathing in between words

"IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT" he yelled I looked up at him 

"you don't know that," I said 

his face softened "I do" he said tears filling his eyes

"you don't, you don't, you dont,  you don't" I repeated clutching his arms 

"aya I do I hate to see you go through this pain and I saw jahseh go through this with Jocelyn that girl was his friend and she killed herself and then to lose the baby he's heartbroken" ski said 

I hated hearing that I hated hearing that jahseh was hurt so I got it together and wiped my tears and stopped crying 

"thank you stokes," I said and he nodded sitting down we watched tv and talked but I never laughed when he told a joke I sighed as the movie we watched came to an end just as the credits went off Myra, Chrissy, Mila, Jahseh, My mom, and Cleo came through the door with these looks on their face I sighed and turned the tv off and turned around I closed my eyes and the bed shifted and arms wrapped around me I smiled knowing it was jahseh I dozed off soon

time skip 

I woke up it was still daylight I sighed Jahseh laid in my arms awake ski on the more comfortable chair my mom right next to him and Cleo right next to my mom I sighed just then the doctor came in smiling 

"ok you are free to go home we have analyzed your levels and everything and made sure your ok and everything was balanced so if you just sign these papers I will discharge you," she said handing me the papers I quickly signed them and handed them back to her

"thank you," she said turning away to the door soon exiting and closing it a few minutes later she came back in with my clothes she handed them to me and left I got up and went to the bathroom to change and came out I realized I had gained weight I sighed and shook everyone awake telling them I was ready to go they got ready and we left 

"do you wanna stop for some food," my mom sighed I shook my head she sighed and kept driving once we got home I got out and went to my room and laid down I was heartbroken but I needed to get it together I guess Jah had gone home because he didn't come upstairs I wanted to die I didn't want to be on this earth anymore I got up and began cleaning my room once I was finished I sat down at my vanity and wiped my face with makeup wipes I sighed I was ugly Jahseh didn't want me he felt bad for me he hated my guts I sighed getting up shaking off the thoughts I looked through my room for a blade I couldn't find one so I took the pencil sharpener that I use to sharpen my eyebrow pencil and broke it I took the blade out and washed it I went in the bathroom taking off all my clothes I turned on the shower and let the water run on my skin but I was weak I wanted to feel numb I slowly slid down sitting on the ground with my knees to my chest I cried