BREATHE [✔]

3. Feelings

Chester

A smile spread across my face as I felt what I assumed was blood dripping down the left side of my nostrils. I staggered back just before I felt another punch colliding with my body. This time it landed in my gut, the pain was concentrated and intense. It managed to blind me for a split second, but I liked it. In fact, I loved it. The pain was like a live spark and I felt . . . ALIVE.  It was like the pain was exactly what I needed.

This was my third fight since the beginning of the week and all I could think about as I received more punches than I was giving was 'I wanted to feel more pain. I wanted to feel so much pain it would remind me how to feel.'

I could hear the crowd jeer in the background but I did not care who they were rooting for. I just needed  Dereck to break a few bones in my body.

"You fight like a girl. " I said smiling through the chaos that I was starting to get used to.

"At least my face is still intact." he retorted.

" Ha! Like you could ever get a girl with that face. " I sneered back.

The crowd let out a wave of oohs and aahs. This seemed to enrage him even more. Smiling at the taller and older boy in front of me I spit on his shoe. Driving him over the edge. He pounced onto me in a way I presumed a Tiger would. Tearing my clothes with rage and passion of fist after fist Dereck pummelled me until I couldn't feel anything but the pain and it felt good. It felt like getting high on something. The last thing I saw before blacking out was Conrad standing a few feet behind Dereck. What made him stand out was that next to everyone who seemed to jeer and boo accordingly he just stood there with a look I could not figure out.

*
"Baby... Are you okay!"

I slowly pushed my eyelids open. To say they were heavy was an understatement. They felt like someone had glued them shut and the glue was almost dry. With the little space that I managed to pry open, I noticed the all too familiar alarm clock on the nightstand. The tv switched on but with the lowest volume possible and the huge Black poster with an exclamation point in the centre. Yup according to the soft mattress and slightly squeaky bed I was in the bedroom of my apartment.

"Babe is there something going on?"
Nic said holding my hand in hers.

"No, I am fine why? "

"It's just that you seem to be.   .   . "
she didn't manage to finish because she burst into tears.

That made me feel guilty. Even though I did not understand why.

"Hey, Nic? " Sammy said placing her hand on Nic's shoulder.

Nic stood up and left leaving Sammy and me in uncomfortable stuffy silence.

"Okay look I have never been one to sugarcoat so I am going to just say it."

I blinked expectantly. Or at least I hoped I did.

"You need to stop with this shitty behaviour. I don't know if you are having a midlife crisis in your early twenties but this shit has got to go."

"Or what Sam!" I said trying to sit up and failing "it's my life, what's it to you."

"Well, normally I wouldn't give a rat's ass..."

She paused for what I thought was a dramatic effect but instead she kept quiet as if thinking of a nicer way to phrase her words.

"You are kidding me right?" I asked annoyed at her.

"I don't do that she replied with a straight face."

"Well I am sorry SAM if my life is inconvenienced yours but as I recall you did not buy a ticket so you sure as hell can leave."

"Don't get your knickers in a twist Chester I am just trying to give you advice and we are all worried about your self-destructive behaviour. "

"Well forgive me! For trying to match my outside to my inside."

"What you are doing is seeking attention and you have to stop it. Grow up like the rest of us."

"Attention seeking huh? You might as well leave."

"I think I will."

At that moment Nic walked back into the room with a glass of water and placed it by the bedside. The tension in the room was now thick and if I could leave I would have walked out and left. But lucky enough Nic could read a room so after saying a quick goodbye to me and giving me a kiss she left with Sammy.

As soon as Sammy and Nic left my mind replayed the conversation I had just had in my mind. And I started to feel guilty for all the mean things I said. Maybe Sammy was right maybe I was seeking attention. Maybe I just did not know that's what I was doing. The guilt and anguish and everything emotionally involved was suffocating me. The fact that I kept calling her Sam even if I knew she hated that nickname ate at me even more. And just like that, I had slowly guilt-tripped myself into a deep none peaceful slumber.

Written [27.12.18]

Edited [19.02.20]