BREATHE [✔]

18.Drunk and Love

How essential is it to humans to be declared useful. How is it people feel more loved when they are needed? How is it I NEED YOU can feel stronger than I love you or even carry the same weight.  Do we all require a sense of purpose that deeply? Do we all require someone else to give us that sense of purpose to make us feel validated? How strongly do we require other humans? Human beings are definitely pack animals as demonstrated by this simple fully loaded lone phrase

I NEED YOU  !!    ~Extract from my Instagram rantings.

Chester

The song that now played on the speakers of the open car seemed to make the atmosphere tenser. If I could I would have stopped mid-sentence and unplugged the dammed thing.

'And I know what it means to walk alone along these lonely streets. . . '

  the lyrics droned on in a sad monotone voice that threatened to bring me to tears. Not that I wasn't already under pressure.

"I need you." She whispered into the still dark night a second too late because I was turning around to walk away.

I walked away without another second glance back towards her or a moment's hesitation. But even without the turning the slow heavy drag off my feet and the jagged heavy breathes my body was letting out seemed to be a response to her words.

I heard the unmistakable silent whisper of "I need you. " as if, if the words had been any softer they would change my mind. I imagined her letting out one last exhale and breathing in before collapsing against the side her car. Just before watching me walk out of her life for another human who wasn't her. 

"I need you." I thought as the weight of all the emotions finally got to me and I sat on the ground feeling like a grunge emo teen. No one ever told me breakups were this difficult. No one ever told me they affect both parties.  I laughed sadly as the unfortunate moment brought up a song to my mind. 'Heartbreak by James hunter six. '

When I listened to the song I never quite understood what he meant by it always takes you unaware or it never stops at one but at that moment sitting on the concrete feeling the weight of all my emotions and the guilt of not knowing sooner I was hurting Nic. It was horrible. It felt like someone plunged their hand in my midsection and pulled it out with my intestines and my heart.

I gripped my phone as I tried not to call the one person I wanted to call. Nic. No one told me after you broke up with someone you would want them even more. I wanted so much to hold Nic in my arms, I wanted to hold her and tell her everything would be okay. But I couldn't do that because I was the cause of distress.  And my mind kept supplying the fact that Nic felt right in my mind but Conrad even though I did not want to admit it felt right in my heart and that made all the difference.  And with that as my last thought, I realised I needed to get drunk and make my mind forget.  Even just for a little while.

With a new purpose fueling my already weak body I managed to find a nearby bar and ordered the strongest drink they had the moment I sat down. 

A few minutes later I was explaining my horrible heartbreaking breakup to the pretty bartender who was definitely pitying me. 

"I think she knew. " I said drinking all the liquid in my glass and signalling for more " There was a time she told me she didn't trust 'the guy'. I assumed she meant as a human but now I think it was always something more. "

"So you just dumped her?" The bartender said before pulling out a bottle from behind the bar to pour me more whiskey.

"Yes, I couldn't keep lying to her. " I said almost whispering"I loved her but not in the way she deserved. "

"That's thoughtful." The bartender said before wiping a glass and placing it under something behind the bar."So like are you into this one guy or have you just been lying to yourself. "

"That's a good question. " I responded actually thinking about it now.

"Maybe you should check what scale of the Kinsey scale you are on?" She said shrugging.

"The what?" I said happy to welcome the distraction.

"Like do you find other guys attractive or is it just that one?" She looked at me like all this was supposed to make sense. 

The alcohol might have started to get to me at that point.

"Well for one that Tall drink over there has been eyeing you all night.  " She tilted her head to the left "Apparently tragic chic is his type. "

"I don't think so. I mean Nic has been all I have known and this other guy is what I think I want. "

"Hey have a little fun talk to him if you find him attractive and all goes well maybe you will be experienced for the other guy you are pinning on," she said smirking like it was simple math. 

Maybe my mind was gone or maybe I was curious but I turned to face the guy in question again. And flashed him a smile. Before downing down my umpteenth glass of whiskey. The definitely attractive stranger with an expensive-looking electric blue suit and black shirt walked up to me with a certain confident swagger that only a person about to get laid walked with.  My eyes got distracted with the shirt he had open all the way to the centre.it was appealing in a forbidden risquè way.

"James. " He said in a deep sexy voice before leaning on the bar to expose more skin.

22.08.19