BREATHE [✔]

22.Regression to the mean

Chester

"Hey, Buddy."  I heard Sam's voice say from beside my bed.

I pulled my comforter even closer to my eyes, burrowing myself deeper into my cocoon of safety.

"You have been in there for a while now how bout lunch or dinner or any meal at all. " She said using her stern mom voice.

"I am tired," I replied without even looking at her.

"You are not tired you are hiding and grieving. "

"Then let me grieve and hide, "I said.

I felt Sam shuffle around the place a bit as if she was getting comfortable on my bed trying to respect my space while still invading it. She actually waited for a while before speaking again "How about if you get out I will make you a drink strong enough to make you courageous enough to confront your problems?"

A few minutes later I was sitting by my kitchen counter downing what I could not remember was my seventh or eleventh glass.

"Is it weird." I started before facing Sam one more time and an obviously confused Prece who I hadn't noticed was around until now, "that I have a thing for his scars. His weaknesses are all so endearing and even though he puts up this facade of being the hero, I love the way he is there when I need him but I can still somehow manage to also be there for him." I say drinking from a Large ass tumbler that hides my whole face except my eyes peeking out from the other side.

"He especially has this one very distinct scar I like. It starts from the left lower back of his lean back and it spreads into an intricate pattern of lines that imitate veins. It kind of reminds me of zombie apocalypse movies when the black infected serum moves just below patient zero's skin. " I say while running my hand in the spilt droplets of liquid on the counter. "

"Did you ever try talking to him about it." I vaguely heard someone say but I was too deep in my mind to know if it was Sam or Precè.

"Why is he so Damn frustrating? " I screamed at Precè.

Precè looked at me like what I was saying was normal.

"And you know what else the bastard is always smirking at me like seriously!  He smirks and smiles like he owns the world who does he think he is." I continued shoving a handful of chips into my mouth from the large bag that had also mysteriously appeared on the table.

"You know a few months ago I was somewhat normal like yes maybe depressed and yes maybe I thought about killing myself like once every week." I stopped talking because I had forgotten that only Conrad knew that part of me. Since backtracking was not a viable option I continued like I hadn't noticed.

"But at least I had my life under my control. But now left is right and right is up. Why are... is he like this? God!! I fucking hate him." I said standing up to walk around in agitation.

Precè looked at me with worry in his eyes before concentrating back on the movie we were apparently watching. I didn't even know what the name was or what was happening in it.

" And you know what the funny part is? As much as I hate him I don't hate him enough. It's like every single God forsaken minute of my life flipping Chester is in my mind. With a stupid smile or a shit-eating grin that unravels all. Like sometimes when he is standing in front of me my mind short circuits because I can't even decide if I want to strangle him or kiss him, maybe even both. Why does he have to be so infuriatingly happy? Why couldn't he be normal like every single 20 something year old in the world? I don't even understand why I bother anymore but you know what he makes me so fucking mad and instead of punching him I just want to.  .  . " I actually kept quiet as I realized what I was about to admit to something I wasn't ready for.

"You already said that last part twice. Huh. " Sam replied ignoring everything else in my rant.

As if my rant had just washed over her. And as I registered what she had said I felt a blush creep up cheeks. And even as I stood there clenching and unclenching my fists. I just kept thinking of Conrad. Which infuriated me even more.

"Screw you!"  I screamed at her face.

"We all know it's not me you want to a screw?" She laughed heartily.

"Arghh," I said sinking against the post next to the door.

Sam sat down next to me before turning to me with a somewhat barely comforting look on her face. "You know it's your fault right.  "

"Thanks, Sammy real helpful. "

"No seriously it is but I get it you do dumb shit all the time. Like yes, I am still pissed at you for breaking Nic's heart. And for not telling me what was going on with you. .."

"You would have understood if I did. "

"Don't interrupt me! And yes you went about the whole jump into your sexuality thing in a deep dive blaze of glory type of style. Not the right way by the way. It's too intense and if you had done it slowly you wouldn't be in this mess. "

I blinked as some of her words sunk in and some did not.

"The problem is you know the Kinks and you have ideas on how to fix them but because you scare yourself at the idea of being rejected or the idea that it will go wrong you don't do anything about it. I know you know a way to fix it so Fix it Goddamit. Because I hate seeing you miserable. "

She squeezed my hand in a reassuring gesture before telling me to go take a shower because you can't take over the world when you are caked in filth.

26.09.2019