BREATHE [✔]

24.Swan Song

Chester

I need you.

The words kept bouncing off the walls of my mind accompanied by a dull sharp pain.

I need you.

The pain resonates with my emotions so deep it nearly tips me over by forcing me onto my knees.

I need you

The words have now permanently etched themselves in my subconscious. Words that were not originally mine but how I want to use them now to let them be mine to whisper them into the still air.

I need you

She had said them as a last desperate resort to get me to realise I loved her. But I did love her just not in the way she needed and definitely not how she needed. And as a painful gripping feeling creeps from the bottom of my chest all the way to my sternum. I realise then how cruel I was. How cruel I was to let her go. How cruel I was to allow my selfishness to let her go through this alone, to let her feel like she was not worthy and loved. If it was in any way the same way I was feeling that was my greatest sin to date.

I need you.

I thought. For the first time, the words had nothing to do with Nic. And the drowning feeling had intensified. My throat was on fire and my emotions had turned into a raging storm of self-hatred regret and unshed tears.

I need you.

I whispered again. Stepping closer to the edge of the cliff I was standing on. The rocky deadly sharp bottom was calling me like a siren does to sailors at sea.

Every reason I thought of to try and talk myself out of jumping seemed to only push me closer to the edge.

My break up with Nic had been painful gut-wrenching and most of all it had taken a lot out of me. Just the memory of that day twisted uncomfortable knots in the base of my stomach.

I need you.

One. The words brought more feelings of sadness within me. The look of terror in her eyes when I looked at her for the very last time was a painful squeeze to my heart. It felt more like claws digging into it and tearing it apart like a savage animal. As if the betrayed look of terror on her face was not enough. The fourteen voicemails she had left that night felt more like the knife plunged in my heart had been twisted further. The sound of desperation and pain her voice including the begging had been the seed of my nightmares.

Swan Song.

My brain supplied as the rocks on edge of the cliff began to chip away from the pressure of my feet.

Swan Song.

Two. I thought as I remembered my diminishing grades. The lack of interest in my own well. And the overwhelming need to perfect my 'perfect life'. The pressure to maintain a happy exterior felt more like a large sack of heavy lead on my conscious.

Swan song.

Three. I thought as I smiled a shaky sad smile remembering Conrad's soft smile when he had hugged me.

Swan Song.

I thought remembering how even though he had saved me countless times I had saved him. And yes it wasn't much but it had felt like saving Batman. Something only Alfred gets to so.

Swan song.

I breathed out admitting to myself that Conrad was the reason I was here. If he hadn't tried to save me a year ago I could still be pretending I was normal like I had been doing.

Swan Song.

I thought. Remembering the way Conrad's eyes shined and crinkled in the corners when he was happy. And the way when he was sad he was so quiet you could mistake him for an introvert. The way he always seemed to fit in with just about everyone without trying. Or the way life overwhelmed him every so often and he would get snappy with anything near him. Or the way he loved his brothers and sister as if they made the oxygen he needed to breathe. Or the way he hung onto almost every word his older said but still tried dismally to act indifferent.

Swan song.

Four. I thought as remembered how to breathe one last. Yes, when I broke up with Nic it was for Conrad. But I don't have a guarantee. And the more I thought of his suggestions to go for therapy the more panicked I got. I don't know I am without my sadness. I don't know who I am without my depression and definitely, don't know who I am if I am happy. Happiness is overrated. I thought sadly. The only reason Conrad noticed me that first time was because I was broken. And if I am fixed he won't want me because I won't need him.

Swan Song.

I thought as I jumped off the cliff.

07.08.2019