BREATHE [✔]

25.Was it worth it ?

Much like Atlas you carry the whole world on your own but instead of on your shoulders it's all on your mind.

Conrad

I watched Chester move closer to the edge of the cliff while I tasted bile rise from my stomach. The thought of him jumping off that cliff made me feel like my entire life was meaningless except for this one human in front of me. The distraght on his face had looked painful when he left my house and all I could think of was I did that, so I followed him immediately after he left.

It was by sheer luck that I caught his wrist just as he jumped off the cliff. My heart clenched as all the possibilities of what could go wrong happened.Heaving him up was hard, painful and resulted in bruises on both of us but all I could think was its worth it. As I pulled his weight up over my legs while sitting in the dirt I sent countless prayers above.

Sitting there holding him in my arms I kept whispering to him that it was okay no matter how bad it seemed.

I clung to him tighter as I let the words flow freely from my brain unfiltered and unchanged.

"You are allowed to feel hurt. You are allowed to feel sorrow. You are allowed to not know what you feel. You are allowed to cry. Male or female, adult or child human or not. Everyone is allowed to feel their own emotions. Don't let people tell you what to do. Toxic statements like Big girls don't cry or Men don't cry should never see the light of day. You are allowed to feel how you feel. And if you breakdown crying from negative emotions it's okay. It's okay to not feel strong it's okay to cry about." I said clutching to him and watching him breath heavily starting at me as if he could see through me.

"Because this is what it feels like, to be alive. So it's okay. Cry buckets if you must, cry just one silent painful tear if you have too. But don't allow yourself to be emotionally destroyed by the same situation again. Because after you finish crying wipe your tears tie laces and remember you are a gladiator. Gladiators don't run from a fight they get back up wipe the blood off and win their battles. So be the Gladiator you know you are and take a break to cry if you need too." I said before taking a break to reposition us to get comfortable.

"I need you. " I whispered after a silent pause filled with a few sobs and uncertainty.

"Breathe." I breathed out through dry lips and a scratchy throat as I watched him hold his breath and look terribly sad.

"Breathe," I said again.

It was a simple word but I needed it more than I realised. It felt like it was a glass of cold water in an arid desert. His heavy erratic breathing was subsiding. He was still alive and that's all that mattered. I didn't understand what happened or how we ended up here but I was not complaining, anymore. I was here for him if he needed me and we were going to solve this, whatever this was together.

I leaned back onto the tree further away from the cliff as if it had scorned me. And a lazy lock fell covering my left eye. I cradled him in my arms while drawing small circles on his arm "Sometimes it doesn't feel worth it, you know? "

"What?" He asked me curiously under his breath finally regaining his speech.

"Breathing. . . life, waking up. . . all of it" I pushed back the loose strands and looked down at him before whispering "but...then I remember you "

I placed my palm on his cheek and used my thumb to caress his lips softly. Hoping my eyes conveyed the look of seriousness and determination I felt, a foreign look to me altogether. I looked at him and butterflies in my stomach seemed to increase because I realized how important this moment was, to both of us.

"I am here for you," I whispered. Conveying all he needed to hear in those five words. Because I couldn't think of anything else. I couldn't think of my problems. I couldn't think of angry friends, therapist or people I wronged. I couldn't even remember my last name if he asked me.

And just like that it actually hit me. I stopped and did one of those deep breath and life evaluation stuff .in that moment I realized I was in love. And the worst part was not that I had fallen hard, yes no one ever fell in love gracefully but this. . . this mess, This was a huge mess. Like tripping and stumbling on 59 electric cables in a Hackers nest huge. Not even Sally the big clutz could manage that.

And just to remind me that I was indeed in love he smiled a small unsure smile that sold me dreams and turned my brain into a chaotic dumb void machine. Turn me over and call me a roast pig cause my life was over.

I was definitely in too deep. I was so far gone I kept on seeing his mannerisms in myself and mine in him. As if our personalities had somehow merged. The way I now answered my friends in tiny sarcastic comments. The way he smiled a wide smile when he was annoying someone.

"The Chaos in your mind and the Confusion in my heart go together like guns and roses. Because you can't have love without tragedy. And you can't have despair without infatuation. So let me silence your mind while you give me a heart attack."I said smiling like an absolute idiot.

"Uh huh. " His eyes narrowed in what I assumed was suspicion "Did you just say I should give you a heart attack," He said laughing with small smile, obviously still reeling from the jump and save. A welcome sound to the deafening sound of my thrashing heart. I was still reeling from almost losing Conrad to his woes and the sudden realisation of how deep my feelings for him were.

"Hey, some famous writer wrote that you know?" I said placing my arms on either side of his body before attacking my neck life a freaking crazy person.

'Uhuh who? Are you the famous writer?" He asked laughing softly.

He pulled me closer to his mouth by the lapels of my jacket. He kissed me as if he was drinking in my very existence. As if the kiss was in itself a line a connection tethering me to him. Before he poured everything he wanted to say into the kiss and I poured everything I needed him to know in that kiss. All my pent up tension. All my insecurities and all my vulnerabilities. At that moment I really knew what it felt like to breathe and to be alive.

07.08.2019