BREATHE [✔]

23.Sober

*Its all fun and games until someone falls in love but you have already bought a ticket and there is no turning back. *

~Carousel (Melanie Martinez)

Chester

On my way to Conrad's house, I couldn't help the creeping self-doubt that lay just below the surface curling in on the edge of my mind. But I was ready. I could do this. So getting into my car I contacted my phone's blue tooth to the radio and clicked play on my broken wings playlist.

The song picked up from where it had left and the first song that played was sober by Bazzi.

I didn't let the song play for long because it seemed to add to my agitation.

'Thinking I want this for real '

'Feelings can be mischief. '

'I hope it's not the alcohol that makes you think you want it all. '

'Will you want me when you are sober. '

The lines kept ringing in my mind as if on a loop. And the more I thought of them the more I felt like I could not do it. The next song on my playlist was unbreakable by Kelly Clarkson so it seemed to make me feel a little better. A little surge of I can do it in my veins was now the sure-fire way to go.

Even with all the things clouding my mind I was going to try and tell him. At least try and reach him my mind kept on saying.

I reached Conrad's house and sat in the car for close to what felt like forty-five minutes before convincing my self to go knock on his door. The sun had gone down but I was not too worried about that.

I had hoisted my fist up to get ready to knock when an angry-looking typical teenage bad boy opened the door. I was relieved it wasn't an adult or Conrad. Which was funny since I came to see Conrad.

"Chucky there is another one ." The boy screamed. "He looks...like crap."

"Thanks. " I muttered under my breath while I noticed the chaos behind him. A happy chubby toddler that looked familiar ran past him with two younger identical-looking boys following her. Well, minding one's business must be a thing in this house because the boy at the door didn't even flinch. I looked back at the boy who looked more annoyed with each passing second. I nodded towards the house silently hoping he didn't require me to verbally express my intentions because I was holding in a grand speech.

"Follow me he is outback. Why do you people keep following him up here any way you had him all year?" He all but grumbled as if I came to kidnap his brother.

Part of me always knew that Asa was the perfect choice for Conrad. The only reason they were not together was chance right? But seeing them sitting outside hand in hand laughing like two people in love was a punch to my gut I wasn't prepared for.

I stood absolutely still as my heart thrashed loudly in its cage trying to escape obviously and the voices in my head kept screaming you did this you pushed him towards Asa. That could be you but you screwed up.

His brother's sarcastic voice ripped me out of my reverie with a bunch of sarcastic words "Hey can you stop long enough to tend to your other boyfriend. "

The look on Conrad's face as he turned was of a kid caught stealing snacks before supper. But I didn't care my speech was still on the tip of my tongue and at the risk of losing some words. I just silently tried smiling but it felt more like an awkward grimace than anything.

"Can you wait for me in my room Asa. " Conrad said without looking away from me.

"Let's take a walk " He spoke up after a long silent moment.

Once the cold air hit my skin I immediately felt a little more relaxed. And while grabbing onto that tiny sliver of confidence I let my words out.

"Hey, Conrad. " I stopped silently swallowing my a silent gulp " I'm. . . I am sorry. I am really sorry for everything my mind was reeling and I did what I always do I ran. And now I know I screwed it up but please, please forgive me and give me this one chance to be with you."

I stopped talking and faced Conrad as he silently watched me without uttering a single word.

"Say something, please anything. "

"I can't..." He breathed in before continuing"I can't do this with you. "

"You can't do..." Chocked on a single lump of emotions stuck in my throat.

"No..wait...here me out. I like you I really do. I like you a lot but I have my own mental challenges and you probably doubt see the thing is my brother reminded me recently that." He stopped mid-sentence to glance at my pocket because my phone was blaring some song. I ignored it.

"I was only better because was seeing my therapist but because took my time playing therapist for you I did not want to go anymore and if it affects my mental well being then I shouldn't do it. I hope..." My phone disturbed him again.

"Please just answer it whoever it clearly needs to talk to you " he hinted with a jealous tone.

I angrily answered the call only to hear Sam's frantic voice on the other side. "Hey, I know you are off professing your love but there is an emergency. "

She paused as if debating if I could handle it.

"What Samantha?"

"Something has happened to Nic. " she said sounding like she was holding her breath "I'm sorry. I told her about you. It was not intentional I promise. I thought she knew. Well, she did know but she said she didn't think it was that deep. "

Agitated at everything going on in that moment I whispered " what's wrong with Nic."

"She has a broken heart. "

"You are kidding, right? Did you call me just to mess with me? Of course, she does the break up was brutal for both of us. And if you think that's important enough to disturb what I am doing you are wrong. "

"No, a medical condition. "

"What?"

"The doctor called it cardiomyopathy or something but I googled it. It's called broken heart syndrome. "

"Is she...?"

"It's pretty serious they are prescribing big drugs and everything."

"My hearts thumping increased. It became louder." She continued regardless.

"They sedated her for a while because she was in too much pain. It's a pretty rough man. "

My mind was reeling I couldn't think straight. I even forgot Conrad was standing next to me. I turned to him looking through him and managed a barely audible " I get it. Conrad."

I stood up and got into my car before sitting there for five minutes trying to think of a spot to cool my head.

"Hey. Hey. Hey. Are you okay? " Conrad asked me I nodded before driving my car away slowly without even a conscious thought of where I was going. At that moment it all felt like muscle memory.

28.09.2019