The Difference

"I'm Sorry I Can't Love You."

"Hey, beautiful." I jumped as I closed my locker, I didn't realize Delilah was standing right there. I tried to ignore her as I began opening my locker again, she started to push it closed but my hand was keeping it open. I clenched my teeth together, trying not to punch her.

"Delilah, I swear to God if you don't get out of my face I will hit you with a baseball bat. I'm done trying to be nice to you." She laughed at me.

"And where exactly are you hiding your baseball bat?" As I opened my locker again, I pulled out my baseball bat and slammed the locker door. It was worth it to see the smugness wash off of her face.

"You were saying?" I glared at her.

"I always liked it when you tried to be mean to me. It's so much hotter than trying to save me." She reached up to my neck and fingered the buttons of my collar, I stepped away from her. I was so starved of affection that even her touch satisfied me, made me crave more. She stepped towards me again and started playing with my hair. After a few seconds, I grabbed her hand, she looked into my eyes. She was looking for something, anything. I wasn't going to let her find it, find if I was still attracted to her.

"Touch me again, and this baseball bat will be the only thing your lips touch for the next month." I started to turn away from her, I felt her watching me still so I turned back. "Except for maybe a feeding tube." As I turned away I gave myself a small smile. My stomach felt hollowed out as I realized I needed affection. From someone who actually likes me, actually cares about me. I've never had that type of affection before. At this point, maybe I never will. I ran my hands through my hair, trying to calm myself down. Cheryl walked into the room, she sat next to me. All of her normal bitchiness left her face, every part of her that normally hated me was gone. 

"Toni, are you okay?" She sounded so concerned, some part of me just wanted to curl up in her voice, the part that was concerned and feel cared for. I feel so lonely, my girlfriend is apparently straight. My ex is trying to get me to be attracted to her again. And here she is. This beautiful angel that sounds almost as if she cares about what's happening to me. When I realized I was staring at her and she wasn't looking away I laughed, the most bitter laugh I could muster.

"Nope. Not even close." She put her hand over mine. I stared at it. Why did everyone have to choose today to show me affection? Why is it affecting me so much? 

"I was just asking because you weren't returning any of my calls and you never came over last night." I completely forgot. I sighed and stared in front of me. Not wanting to acknowledge the little part of me that felt hopeful. When she spoke, she sounded concerned and disappointed, just a little that I never came over. I never even saw that she called me.

"Oh sorry." I shook my head, trying to clear my thoughts, "I can come over tonight at the same time if you want?"

"Yeah. Sure." She pulled her hand away. Suddenly my hand felt cold, I wanted her to put her hand back on mine. Next to mine, I just needed someone to care. Can't wait until tonight. I didn't know if I really couldn't wait or if I was dreading it. At the end of class, I saw Veronica walk up to me. I didn't really register it until she stopped in front of me.

"Hey." She swallowed, I saw it in her eyes. She meant it. She never loved me, not really, who knows if she even ever liked me. "Can we talk?" I nodded, not trusting myself to speak. I looked up and saw her brown eyes watching us from the door. When Cheryl noticed that I saw her watching us she hurried off to her next class. We walked into the stairwell, and she faced me. She searched my face for something, anything, just like Delilah. What were they searching for? Why can't I just be left alone? "I'm sorry." I was too tired to ask what she was sorry about. I knew she would tell me anyway. I stayed quiet as she gathered herself. "I'm sorry I can't love you." I knew these words were coming but that didn't make them hurt any less. I took a deep breath, so many different thoughts traveling through my head at the same moment.

"It's fine." I said like it was no big deal, like I didn't really care, like she just apologized for accidentally breaking my pencil. The only difference was, she broke my trust in love.

I got to Cheryl's house and realized that my trailer was maybe 20% of her house. I sighed. I knocked on the door and Cheryl opened it two seconds after. Like she was waiting for me. I was even early, I checked my phone, it was 8:19. I said 8:30, and she had started waiting at least ten minutes early. "Hey," she whispered, when I looked up she saw that I had been crying. "We don't have to work on the project. We can just watch tv and eat ice cream." I wanted to laugh, how pity changes people. She led me to the couch, we sat three feet away from each other. She kept looking over at me all through out the movie. I tried not to look at her, I tried not to move or flinch as she scooted closer to me. I tried not to cry as she took me into her arms and I curled up next to her. I tried not to cry as I realized she was showing me affection, and it didn't feel completely fake. I tried not to cry as I came out of denial. I realized that I wanted to be with Cheryl. I wanted her to love me. I already knew that if I spent another two hours with her I would fall in love so deep I wouldn't ever be able to fall out completely. 

"I gotta go home, see you at school tomorrow." I untangled myself from her and got up, I grabbed my jacket and ran to my car. I sat in the drivers seat and began to cry. I wanted to fall in love with her. I wanted it so badly, I just knew that there would never be any chance that she would fall in love with me.