The Heartache He Gives

Prologue

(Unedited)

Questions.

How can the most happiest person in the world turn into the most depressing in a second or two?

I would like to think everything happens for a reason, so was the reason my pain? The pain that has been consuming me day in, and day out

The pain that makes me question the reason of living, the reason why I'd like to just end it all and save myself from this ache, but that's not the solution here is it? That can't be my way out of this, I wasn't meant to just end it all at 17

They say:

be thankful for all you have, you never know what will happen next

Was I not thankful enough?

Was it something I did?

It must just be a dream...a nightmare if it means bringing them back, I know they can't really be gone, they couldn't just leave me here to bare with it all alone could they?

So many questions, but little to no answers.

If anything is possible then please and I beg this with every being I have left in me, please bring them back

I can't do this without them, they haven't sent me off to college yet, they won't get to see me transpire into a woman I wante-....want to be ,I still need them to lead me, to guide me through life

A dove can't fly without it's wings, it can't soar through the sky without it's wings, it won't live it's best life without it's wings, what would it be without it's wings?What would they make their life out to be without it's wings?

....Take that into perspective of me.

I can't make these life changing decisions without my parent, they were my wings, they were what helped me in my 17 years of living they've seen me grow and grow day and night and to think they would've seen me walk down that aisle the day I come to commit to the love of my life...but clearly the universe had a different plan for me

It's crazy how this works, how not even less than 24 hours ago I felt like I was most loved, most cared for because of them

How I , Lilian Penelope Ivy, the girl who was once happy to see the light of days, and the dark of nights, happy to feel the scorching hot sun warming the atmosphere among us, and the bright moon glowing upon us now despises to even breath

Of course I had bad days, but they will never sum up to how terrible this is-how terrible this feel..who knew such pain existed

The thought of loosing them never crossed my mind at least once, who's would though? Who would think they're parents will be took from them in a blink of an eye, it's scary to even imagine, scary to say

I believe death and parents shouldn't never belong in the same sentence, not a day goes by when they're not engulfing my thoughts, sometimes I can't sleep because I ruminate, but the worst of all of this is that every time I come to seal my eyes, the damaging scene replays, giving me a first hand visual of that night..and today was one of those nights, well morning now, I haven't slept a wink today

Monday- 7:00am

Today is the day-the day I go to my new school due to the fact that I moved to a small city called Bend on the Deschutes River, in Oregon a week after my parents death with my mom's sister who is currently 24

I feel like a burden since shes not even through with her twenties yet and is now in charge of me, I don't think she was ready to take in such huge responsibility at a young age, she's a busy woman I must say but she makes sure I'm well everyday

After the funeral in which was held in my parents original home which by now you could've guessed it.Bend. I have been visiting their graves every Sunday, never failing to become completely sorrowful within seconds I'm there

Since that day I've done nothing but motivated myself to get up and get through the day It's been really hard- hard to be up and about pretending like everything is perfect with the world, I feel so drained and dejected at the thought of them to a point where I just stay locked up in my room most of the times

But today I will not get to fulfill the desire to be alone, and I'm not ready to let that go yet.

Having no other choice but to start the day at a new school without them, my head goes through all the possibilities that could be held today,and of course their mostly negative

Hesitantly, I get up from bed and head into the shower dreading to get out knowing that as soon as I head downstairs and out the door is when the real challenge truly begins

I can't say much now since I haven't been to the school and actually met the students in there but due to my last experience of high school back in Toronto I can't help but to think of the worst

They're going to be mean.They're going to make fun of me,I just know it,I hate that I feel this way but I do, my last school has scarred me as well and left me with these thoughts of everyone just going against me, especially now

When my parent left me I was left traumatized not only with the thoughts and the dreams that come day to day but now I can't even finish a full on sentence right and that's because I had developed neurogenic stutter after the car accident and I believe that's going to make this year a living hell for me

I hope that when I step into those school grounds It won't be a repeat of my last school ,I hope I won't get made fun of, I hope I make friends, I hope I can finally have a happy school year, and I hope I don't have to cry myself to sleep by the end of the day.

But most of all I hope my parent are watching over me.

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If you have came this far I love you already😘I hoped you enjoyed it so far. I will update when I can and also I don't have the story parts planned out I just write what comes to my Mind but it will get better.