The Dead Poets

40

I woke up the following morning feeling much lighter. I no longer felt like I carried the burden of the break up solely on my shoulders anymore.

I began to see the silver lining in the situation, and I was grateful for it. Although admittedly, I think I'll always feel a certain..way towards Charlie. He was my first love, but I suppose that doesn't necessarily mean he'll be me only love. As Neil says, only time will tell.

I glance at my appearance in the oval mirror that hung above the dresser. I shouldn't be nervous, but for some inexplicable reason I was. I was heading to my final class of the day, English. Which on any other occasion, is undoubtedly my favourite class. However, it was also the only class I had with Charlie.

I hadn't seen or spoken to him since we broke up, and we sat a mere two feet from one another in class.

Truthfully, I had thought about what Jack said the other day at the Diner. I wasn't entirely sure how I felt towards Jack, but I knew I wasn't ready to start dating just yet.

I walk past Mr. Keating's class twice before finally working up the courage to step inside. Unsurprisingly so, Charlie was late. The seat behind mine appearing vacant. Todd flashes me a warm smile, as I take my seat a few behind his.

My eyes remained fixed on the textbook that sat open on my desk, refusing to snap my head in the direction of the doorway each time a different student walks in.

I notice Todd's eyes dart anxiously from the door back towards my frame. Although the mere look on his face told me all I needed to know, my eyes discreetly glance behind me. Charlie quickly shuffles into the classroom, taking his assigned seat behind me.

His usual lopsided grin wasn't plastered across his face, and the same bounce wasn't present in his step. His hair wasn't combed in its neat deep side part, and his eyes looked much darker. I could faintly hear him take a deep and sharp intake of air, as Mr. Keating began his lesson. Something Charlie tends to do while he's anxious, a feeling he rarely experiences.

Throughout the class my attention could barely focus on the teaching. Thoughts of Charlie quickly and constantly swirled throughout my mind. His tired eyes instinctively made my heart ache, but as awful as I feel admitting it, weirdly it brought me some degree of ease. At least he cared enough about the relationship we had to lose sleep over it, assuming that was the cause of his exhausted features.

Once Mr. Keating had concluded his lecture, which was usually quite a few minutes before the final bell, I quickly gathered my books and dashed from the classroom. I chose not to force any small talk with Charlie today. I suppose I didn't want our relationship to be reduced to awkward smiles and forced chit chat.

We were once so deeply in love, and as much as I attempted to force myself to forget, it was undeniable. I fear the tension that would naturally follow our first conversation, especially considering the premise of our last chat, would be too much for me to bear.

Neil manages to catch up to me in the hall, slowing down his jog, once he had caught up with my fast sprint.

"Whoa, slow down," was all he managed to breath out between shallow breaths.

"I thought I was in better shape," he spoke incredulously, causing a smile to stretch across my face.

"Well, you've always been a dreamer," I say playfully, however my smile instantly fades as I see the figure that stands expectantly at the end of the hall.

Jack.

I felt as though I couldn't escape him. It wasn't that I didn't like him, it was that I did and I wasn't sure how I felt about it.

He stood nervously, his hands shoved deeply into the front pockets of his blue jeans. His dirty blond hair fell carelessly onto his forehead, but not shielding his deep set brown eyes. His feet bore his signature black and white high top converse, his shoes crossed one over the over.

I glance at Neil, who looks at me gently. His expression is rather odd. It's as though he wants me to run towards Jack and go and be happy. However Charlie's still one of his best friends, and if it were up to him, I'd probably be running back in the other direction straight into Charlie's arms.

"Well, what are you waiting for," Neil smiles, nudging his head in Jack's direction. I return the smile, taking a small step forward. Borrowing Charlie's technique, I take a deep breath before finally walking towards him.

"Wait," Neil says hurriedly, softly grabbing my arm.

"Just hear what he has to say," Neil says slightly sternly, but a big smile overtakes his lips. I nod my head quickly, understanding what he was hinting at. I wasn't prepared to give Jack a chance, but maybe I should. If it were up to me, I'd probably never date again, but truthfully I didn't think that would do much good.

Just as I was about to spin on my heel and walk in Jack's direction, I briefly glance behind Neil.

My eyes catch Charlie.

He stood alone outside Mr. Keating's classroom. He held is books carelessly in his hand, letting it dangle by his leg. However, it wasn't his slouched posture that caught my attention, but his face.

His eyes were fixed on Jack. A look of what I had initially took as anger sat plastered across his features. However it wasn't rage that flashed through his eyes, but jealousy.

He glared at Jack with a look that could almost kill. His hold tightened on the books like a death grip. His eyes met mine for a fleeting moment, and instantly softened. There was so much sorrow behind his light orbs, I almost ran past Neil and right towards him.

But he broke up with me. He left me. And he certainly didn't get to make me feel sorry for him.

My eyes slowly peel from his heartbroken gaze as I finally force myself to do exactly what he did to me, turn around and walk away.