The Dead Poets

43

I sit at the dark-cherry wooden vanity in my bedroom. My eyes dance anxiously around the makeup sprawled across its surface.

Jack was picking me up at 8:00. It was our first official date.

I endured so many different emotions, it was hard to pinpoint just how I felt about it. My best guess, a mix of nervousness, anxiousness, excitement, and curiosity. Which surely makes for a great first official date.

Lately I have been desperately trying to determine exactly what emotion I was feeling. Was I happy with my no-labels 'relationship' with Jack? Was I over Charlie?

Regardless, I've come to the conclusion that I'm stuck in an emotional rut. I'm not really feeling much of anything. It's as if I'm numb. Initially I felt despair like I've never before, and in a sense I'm glad to be rid of that horrible darkness. But in some way, this numbness is almost worse.

I hear a soft knock at my door- pulling me from my existential worries.

"Jack—what are you doing here?" I ask incredulously, upon peering over at the clock—which offered me another hour to get ready.

"I know I'm early, I just couldn't wait to see you." My lips stretch into a smile at his kind words and his lopsided grin.

"Besides, you look beautiful as is. Why don't we go a little early?" Jack asks hopefully.

I glance at my appearance in the mirror and huff. "Alright," I say standing from the vanity stool. "Let's go."

The evening was going fine. Jack had been sweet, as usual. In fact, we had a great time. I spent most of the night laughing, which was a nice alternative to my usual Saturday night's lately.

Although I still have this indescribable feeling that continues to gnaw at me.

As we arrived at the party, I could think of just about a million other places I'd rather be. The worst part was—as wonderful as Jack is— I could think of another person I'd rather be with.

I wonder if it's always going to be like this? Jack was amazing, yet even after an evening of laughter, my mind wanders to Charlie.

I step into the over-crowded living room. The record player spun, couples dance and sway around us. Jack offers me his hand, leading us towards the middle of the room.

The music plays around us. I rest my head against his chest, allowing him to sway our bodies 'round and 'round to the soft beat of the music. I raise my head slightly, as the song began to change.

Jack's blue eyes peer down at me through his long lashes—his lips catching mine ever so gently. The kiss was brief. But it was long enough for me to realize I was making a huge mistake.

My thoughts went to Charlie.

His soft kisses made me feel like I was on a cloud. My heart would flutter and I could feel his lips linger for hours.

"I'm sorry--" I begin to formulate some sort of response but few words seem to suffice.

"Look, I'm sorry...I just--" Jack began to speak, but my mind was made up.