The Dead Poets

39

The light from the sun shone through my sheer curtains and onto the hardwood flooring in my bedroom.

A night's sleep managed to make me feel a bit better. Though, the heartbreak I feel is like grief that comes in waves— stealing appetite and sleep in its wake.

I gaze out the window at the snow covered trees of the forest. I glance at the small clock atop my nightstand, then back towards the wardrobe in the corner of the room.

Deciding I didn't feel like going to class today, I pull the covers over my head in an attempt to escape the bright golden rays of sunshine. However, a familiar knock on the door tells me otherwise.

"Neil," I groan, throwing the covers off my body, and instantly being hit with the coolness of the room.

Charlie and I broke up all of three days ago, and Neil has made it his mission to spend every waking second by my side. Well, not quite, but he might as well be.

"I'm fine, really," I say, while slipping my feet into my slippers and opening the door.

Neil, Todd and Knox stood side by side in the doorway. Their expressions were mostly cheerful, but with a hint of worry.

"Okay, then come to breakfast with us," Neil spoke smugly, knowing I couldn't refuse without looking like I had been lying.

"Fine," I sigh, spinning on my heel, towards the wardrobe.

"Just let me get dressed."

~

The four of us sat at the farthest bench in the dining hall. Knox rambled on about Christine, Neil adding his advice every so often, and Todd remained quiet for the most part.

I know they are doing this to distract me, but I've been actively avoiding the realization that the person I thought I would spend the rest of my life with no longer wishes to be with me. In the last three days, no one has as much as uttered Charlie's name to me. Maybe I need to take a page from Knox's book, and vent about my own complicated love life.

"I can talk about it," I say finally, feeling like a weight has been lifted off my chest.

"Charlie," I say his name for the first time aloud, earning glares from the boys as though I've just broken some sacred oath.

"I think it would be good for me. It all happened so fast, I haven't really just..." I trailed off for a moment. Knox, Neil and Todd were my three best friends, and if I couldn't talk about it with them, then I couldn't talk about it with anyone.

"I haven't processed it yet," I conclude.

The boys exchange wary glances, before Neil finally speaks up.

"Alright, you need to move on, that's all," he decides, almost in a tone that's reassuring himself more so than me.

"Okay," I begin nervously, unsure of how—or even where—to start.

"I went to that party with Knox," I begin, setting my fork on the napkin beside my breakfast plate.

"Then I saw this guy I met on the field trip, Jack. He asked me to dance, and I didn't see anything wrong with it, so we did. Then Charlie came, and was livid. I'm still not entirely sure why— it was only dancing," I defend, pausing slightly to gauge their reactions. Their expressions remain calm and understanding— indicating for me to continue.

"Then at the next Dead Poets meeting he brought those... girls," I say, a bitter taste suddenly overcoming my mouth as I remember the flirty glances they gave Charlie.

The boys expressions are sympathetic— not that I want their pity— but it's nice to know some people think that's unacceptable, since clearly Charlie hadn't.

I take a shaky, but deep breath before continuing.

"Then Jack told me I was his..." I pause, debating whether I wanted to share this with them. But in the spirit of cleansing, I decide it's best to tell them everything.

"His 'somebody.'" The boys eyes widen slightly, but their expressions remain empathetic.

"I came back to Welton to talk to Charlie, and I had every intention of fixing whatever problem we had, but he—he just..." My voice trails off as I find the right way to say it.

"He told me we should break up," I finish my long-winded rambling, feeling a million times better once I finally got it out of my system.

"Violet," Neil says softly— yet a hint of demand lays behind his tone.

"You're beautiful, and smart, and funny, and kind, and Charlie is a fool for letting you go." Neil begins, pausing briefly, as the boys eagerly nod their heads in agreement.

"But I get it—why he did it," Neil finishes, as my face contorts into a look of confusion.

"He never really felt like he deserved you. He always thought you could do better. Find someone smarter, more ambitious- his words not mine," Neil clarifies playfully, causing a small smile to stretch across my face.

"I don't know, maybe it's for the best— a break."

"—yeah, now he can figure himself out. Remember what you told me about Christine?" Knox asks expectantly, a smug smile playing at the corners of his lips.

"If it's meant to be, it will." I answer, quoting myself, and playfully rolling my eyes.

"Exactly. Just give it time." A genuine smile spreads itself across my face, as I reach over to hug the three boys around me.

"You know, if I don't say it enough, I really appreciate you guys," I say to the three boys sitting in front of me at the dining hall— now shovelling forkfuls of scrambled eggs into their mouths.

As much as it pains me to admit, I don't know how I would've handled not being with Charlie, had it not been for my friends.

"We love you, too," Knox manages to choke out amongst a mouthful of food. I suppress my laugh, shovelling another bite of waffles into my mouth.

I wasn't sure if Charlie was my person— the one I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. But if he was, at least I know someway, somehow, we'd find our way back to each other.

And that was enough for me.