Up to Me: Bandersnatch

1

"...Do you think that this feeling of, of-"
"Revenge."
"Yes, revenge. Do you think it stems from that trip? The one in the mountains when you were ten?"
"No." I say bluntly.
"No? And why not?"
"Because me being forgotten in a cabin by my best friends has nothing to do with hating my fucking brother." I roll my eyes.
Two whole years I've had to see this shrink. My family thinks I'm crazy because I hate my brother. But what siblings don't hate each other?
"Aemilila, you were left there for two days. Your brother was the one who found you almost frozen to death. Why do you hate him?"
Dr. Haynes asks this question every week. And every week I give the same answer, "Because he isn't my brother."
No one believes me when I say it. Why should they? My brother, Anwir, is eight years older than me. Everyone thinks he's perfect. Blonde hair, blue eyes, huge smile and "just the sweetest."
So they just don't believe me when I tell them that the boy who found me in the cabin after my friends forgot they had left me under the sink during hide-and-seek, wasn't Anwir. His hair was a shade of blonde too light and his eyes... they were brown. They were fucking brown.
"Mili," Dr. Haynes probes again, "did this boy- whoever he is- did he hurt you in anyway?"
"You mean did he molest me?" This question has also been asked often. Everyone wants to know if I've suffered from a trauma like my brother feeling me up.
"No." I say.
"You know that you can tell me anything, Aemilili. I'm just trying to help you."
"And I'm telling you that he didn't sexually harass me. And he isn't Anwir."
I don't tell her what I have buried so deep in the back of my memory that I have nearly forgotten it myself. That i will never tell. I'll be institutionalized if I ever say it out loud...

I don't know when, but sometime during our meeting I had started crying. Tears stream down my face and I let out an embarrassing whimper.
"I think that's enough for today, I have another client coming in the next minute or so." Dr. Haynes lets out her sigh that tells you she's finished with your crazy for today.
I leave Dr. Haynes office, still crying, and not paying attention to where I'm going. I'm rounding the corner when I slam right into someone. I look up and see a boy with brown hair. I've seen him at the office before- Steven I think his name is?
"Sorry- sorry. You okay?" He asks, stumbling over his words.
"I'm fine," I don't mean to be harsh, but my mind is still in Dr. Haynes' office.
He smiles softly, but it's forced. His eyes stay the same, kind of distant.
I turn and walk home.

...

"How was today's meeting, Mili?" Mum asks.
"Good." I reply automatically.
"Any breakthroughs?" She winks joke fully.
"Yeah, Dr. Haynes actually solved everything. Turns out I'm a psychopath who wants to kill my whole family and take over the world." I take my magazine and sandwich and go to my room.
.
.
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*continue to chapter 2*