the boy i am........isn't me (spanking)

Bonus Chapter. Nialls Diary (short entry)

For less confusion, please read this:

This diary entry had not been discovered yet in the current book. This is a bonus chapter to get to know the main character. This is what Niall wrote before the big plot happens.

If you are confused, this entry was found after the plot, while the non-entry stories takes place before the plot. This story shows character development from the past.

This story also includes letters to himself (past and future), to his depression, life, his bandmates and other things (that shall remain mysterious). It gives you hints of what happens and his true feelings.

WARNING: This bonus has been written once and only once. Only edit is grammar mistake. This is a diary of a thirtheen year old and should be written as if an actually thirteen actually wrote it. It will be simply and short. If you find it boring don't read it.

.........

6 months before......

Dear world,

My name is Niall James Horan, please don't hate me.

Dear Diary,

No one likes me. I am known sadly known as the blonde boy from One Direction. Not a lot of people know my name, but they may know the other lads since they are more popular and known.

I know that hate comes along with fame and misery comes with life, but.......

I am just feeling tired. My head keeps hurting and I keep having verges to cry, then suddenly I am angry. My energy is lacking and everyone is being affected by it.

Have you ever just been so bad and on edge that when you simply make a mistake you lose it? You want to throw something or have an emotional break down? I do too. This is what happened:

We were at the studio to record the rest of the remaining album, and since the moment I woke up my head felt so heavy. I didn't even feel human, but instead felt as if I was watching a film. It didn't feel as if I was actually alive.

Later on, when we were about to record it was as if something swept through me and I just felt frustrated and upset. My thoughts were going crazy; I was thinking why I should even record; no one even hears me since my mic is low and I don't even have a fucken solo!

They tell me I should be grateful, that I am lucky; no one gets to live their dream. They don't understand though: This isn't a dream! Heaven knows I am going through hell! I am miserable! I was seperated from my family and was told I will be I will be an idol; a role model. I will be "living the life." Bullshit. I just feel lonely.

My bandmates are so busy and occupied for them to notice. They only know what I show them. We have became close however , (but I had no other choice but too). I just wish this house was more of a home for me.

(A/N: if you read the last chapters A/N, this is where his Meditative Daydreaming began). You know whats sad? After I left all my friends, I suddenly became washed with this new lonely state of mind, making me settle in the dark with thoughts of a different life. I build myself new plots and new people, which I wish were real. Its not really a fantasy, but more like an activity. 

I just daydream all the time and create these plots. Sometimes I just rewind the same plots over and over again. Most of the ideas were movie or book related.

Whats weirder is that while I am making the plot I walk (or dance) in front of my mirror. I seriously feel like I am becoming mental.

I can not write much today, but I hope I become happy again.

.......

A/N

short and sweet. If you want me to continue writing entries please tell me so. If you want me to write it differently tell me also.

If you don't like it I dont mind you telling me so :))

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