the boy i am........isn't me (spanking)

s i x

continued.....

13 weeks

I sat alone in the back of the black van that was traveling us to our journey where we would meet our 'fans' that would certainly turn a blind eye to me. Going out into the public eye would not have been my choice of a day to conceal, but of course management controls our life. I also don't have much of a life to conceal.

But still, they act as if I am there puppet and they are my masters that play and toy with me as they pull me by my strings by one finger movement. The fan are the audience that clap and cheer as they watch management dominant over us, yet at the end of the performance, between all the other boys and myself, they only target there tomatoes at me.

Now as I sit back against the leather of the car seat while the sun's rays burn onto my peppering arm, I think of a small cruel joke that makes me spit into bitter laughter silently in my head; what are the similarities between Niall Horan and a puppet? They are not real and not alive, but instead where made into a joke and entertainment purposes; or thats how it feels. Maybe its my fault. I was the one who decided to stab myself constantly to perfection.

Of course, I want to be what I feel; to be nothing more than to be less than a dust of the wind.

I look out the window and watched as we passed by a joyful group of children that were about my age. I would give anything to finally be in peace and acceptance with myself as they are. I wish I did not witness the cruelty of this world and learned by experience at how this world can do terrible things. What if I-

Suddenly laughter came from my bandmates that sat in the front seats as large smiles were shaded onto them.

I would do anything to be like them; not just appearance but to be able to join into their chatter and be able to have courage to communicate with someone. I was too sucked out of reality and could not escape my horrible dreamworld. I can finally understand what Alice felt when she tried to escape wonderland

Everyone wants to live the same journey as Alice, but no one understand that Alice was petrified and wanted to escape. Alice did not volunteer to go, it was an accident; a fearful trip to hell for her. She was only a little girl that was imprisioned into a unwanted world.

"How many more minutes until we get there?" I questioned, already wanting to go to bed and be the dead man I was. Who could blame me though; this society already ripe up my aspiration to shreds. Its okay though, I promise.

"We are here. we are just searching for a parking spot." I nodded as I listened to what Liam said. We stared at each other for a minute and it caused my muscles to tense. Liam sensed it and his eyes dropped from their stiff look as he signed. He mouthed the words 'we need to talk.' and I nodded as a broken smile made a ghostly appearance on my face, which was practically invisible.

"Why are there no screams?" Harry wondered as he also inspected towards Liam.

"Because this side of the building is private property, so they have to be inside" Harry nodded before gazing out the window. We were about to park the car and I regretted coming out of bed. I had no mood for this, but what I feel does not matter.

For an odd reason, today just did not feel right. It was just one of those odd Sundays.

"Lets go!" Paul shouted as he swung our door open. I flinched from the loud noise before exiting out of the vehicle. Have you ever felt numb? Like, I know my body was moving, but I was not processing it. It was as if my body was working for me while my mind was just dead. I most likely even seemed dull, blank. I was just so numb that I could not even think anymore. I am okay though, I promise

I walked stiffly to the entrance of the building where we would greet numerous fans. "Niall stand up straight and stop slouching your back," Paul instructed. I nodded yet for a curious reason I questioned his authorities

"why?" The words where almost slightly bitter, but truly did sound curious as to why he would even think to say that.

Paul rolled his eyes as he continued to stare straight ahead of him. He must be tired of my shit too. "Because at least your posture should look tolerable if not you. Why must you not be a good example and also show the you care for life. Not to mention it is not a sharp apperance of a gentlemen."

"why does it matter if I look like a gentlemen?" I suddenly wanted to challenge him. Thats the one part I did not understand.

"Because Niall," Paul spoke as he furrowed his eyebrows, "we live in a world full of injustice and damaged people. You are suppose to be perfect. You can not be like the broken. You men-" meaning all five of us, "are predicted to be the future, and its not going to happen if people believe you will continue the same unclassic pattern of the criminal society of the 20th century."

"Am I suppose to be perfect?" Niall tilted his head in confusion

"Yes." Everyone scanned him and nodded. To the Irish boy, It seems everybody already knew this and expected him to also acknowledge this also. They must be gentlemen and perfect. Something ringed in his head; if they have to be perfect, why aren't woman also?

"Thats stupid." Niall argued as he brushed his fingers through his blonde hair and than pulled on it. "You are all idiots! our society is against Federalist yet do not consider the issues in men!" The blonde does not know where this sudden attitude came from, but he is determined to make a point across, even if he do not know his own point. What was he trying to do?

Everyone stopped walking and turned to Niall, seeming they must make a point across their clueless little boy. "There is no issue in men! What you act is what you get! If you act like trash than that's what your going to get!" Liam countered

"Its called imperfection! We argue that woman should not be barbies; that they are perfect, yet we treat men as if they are a different set of people! Woman have gone through disorders and depression trying to be perfect, but no one understand its just as hard to be Ken as it is to be Barbie!"

Harry choked on his own spit, deserted on what to even say, though it seems the opposite to Louis, whom was still crossed about their last disagreement. "How would you know Niall? You must be perfect or even tolerable to know the difficulties of beauty. The problem with your argument is that you have no beauty physically or mentally. Inside or out!" The bitter vocabulary spat from his chap lips. "but how would I know either? Apparently I am not a stick-figure like you Niall and I will die of obesity!"

Zayn's mouth shot open. Never would he have even guessed that Louis would hold a grudge and say something so terrible to someone so fragile and insecure as Niall. It was just not right, but he choose to stay out of this. This was not his battle and he should not care. So, he turned away.

"Hey!" Paul hollered as he stepped inbetween Louis and Niall. "Louis that was so inapperi_"

"Fuck you!" Niall bursted before stomping away into the building. Why does he even try anymore? one-fifth of his heart is now shattered. He only had five pieces of his heart left, after everyone else destory it. Those five pieces belonged to his bandmates.

Oh how he hopes that one day someone would stitch it back together into somewhere better than perfect.

But Niall's okay, he promised

.........................

My one of my most favorite parts is going to be here soon. It will be staring by doggah (jesy)

I thought I would start making these updates short so for faster updates. Next chapter is Journal update,

7+ likes for next chapter and comment what you though