the boy i am........isn't me (spanking)

Bonus Chapter. Nialls Diary

I don't go in order, so pay attention to the weeks.

I hope everyone enjoys this, i been waiting for a chance to write this!

21 weeks ago

Dear Diary,

I sat outside on the wet ground with my back against the brick wall. It was night and usually around this time regular people would be sleeping in their comfy beds as their fantasies take them to a magical place (in most cases). Currently that is what my bandmates are doing while I inhale a puff of smoke from a cigarette as I look up at the lack of stars in the pitch-black night.

I remember when my parents told me when I was younger, that when the darkness takes over the sky, the freaks and psychopaths come creeping out; Now years later no one would have thought I would become one; who knew?

Zayn once told me to never even dare to touch a cigarette again after he caught me months ago. Of course to add onto his seriousness, he disciplined me as he feared the deathly consequences of smoking. (my first spanking). Although it may have seemed that his words made no true affect towards me since I am going against his rules and continue risking my health, his words however at the past did make me frightful;

I inhaled deeply, as I pinched the white stick between my two fingers

I am selfish. My sick and mental mind already knows. It understands that if I do in fact get cancer I will be hurting not only me, but everyone else.

What truly is worse is that I already stop worrying about others. The band is barely starting so it can easily replace me without anyone noticing. My parents have another son, so I not leaving them completely alone.

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Being honest, sometime I cry how messed up I have become. If my past self only knew the dangers of the future......Maybe the present will be different? Maybe I would has killed myself before One Direction was formed.

I wonder though, if I truly die one day out of sucide (I think of smoking of a long-term process of sucide) where would I go? Is there truly a place by the name of heaven and hell?

If so, which place would I go? Being honest, no matter how fucked up I am, I did not do anything extremely wrong that would put me in hell. I don't fear of going to hell, but I fear of going to heaven.

Some may be confused as to why this fear exist, but it bothers me that I'm heavenI will be "happy" all the time. Some of you ask "isn't it good to be happy all the time," or "why wouldn't you want to be happy?"

I thought about it before, and concluded with an answer: If I am always joyful and never angry or upset by the usually things that have made me angry in my life that was before heaven, I would be like everyone else; I will also lose my sense of emotion (anger and sadness), and to me emotions are what builds your personality. If your lose your personality (since you lost a part of yourself that contained emotions) you will lose your identify. Everyone would be the same, so what would be the thrill of that? (did I explain that well, Diary?)

Instead of heaven, I want to sleep forever; I never wish to live forever. I don't want to see heaven ever (knowing you would never want to leave), but live in my imagination where I am truly myself. I hope god understands.

Also, who said hell will be that bad? No one said he is this red guy with horns on his head. That was just someone's imagination, which made everyone began believing that is what he appears as. Maybe he doesn't torture you either.

I don't know much about this heaven and hell shit, but I am going to be independent and say what I believe: I think hell isn't where you are tortured and burned (we have no evidence in that) but instead could be a place where you rewand your worst memory. Over and over again.

That could be all you do for the rest of your life. Hell could just be a boring place that you relive your damn mistakes. Or maybe it's just a plain blank place. There could be nothing and you cannot feel pain.

Pain is better than being numb (sometimes). Let me explain diary, when your in pain you wish to be numb. You hope for it. But, if you were to feel nothing (emotionally and physically) it must make you insane!

I don't know much about this religion stuff, but those are some of my thoughts.

Once someone tried to help me truly understand religion, and they said "put all your trust in god." I nodded to him and said I will, but I knew he was a damn hypocrite for saying that.

(A/N: the credit to this quote goes to House). "You can have all the faith you want in the spirts and the afterlife, heaven and hell, but when it comes to this world, don't be an idiot, because you can tell me you put all your faith in god to get you through the day, but when it comes to crossing the road, I know you look both ways."

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I am very proud of this.

10+ votes for next chapter.

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