the boy i am........isn't me (spanking)

f i v e

(Warning! Short chapter)

13 weeks

They say the eyes are the windows of soul and from what I see depresses me to a new level. I have never looked at something so dull and broken in my experience of surviving this world. I wish I was not like this. Everyday I wake up feeling numb and have to face another annoying obstacle, which can only be faced through smoking,through cutting, through medication, through the calender of my death. The numbness had taken over me, so no longer have I pathetically cried myself to sleep or no longer can I tell the difference between depression and sadness. 

I did not even believe it was possible to even feel physically broken. Its had affected my whole body and I can no longer keep fighting against it. I learned in school that you have to keep trying and trying again until you win, which is what depression is trying to do. It tried to break me. It tried to tear me to pieces. I blocked it, but it only came harder and harder until it had me around the neck as you stand on the edge of a cliff. It broke me. It tore me to pieces. 

I signed and locked at my digital clock that read it was evening. I came out of my room a few times after the horrid memory of the previous spanking I had, and whenever I try to catch the Bradford boy's attention, he only looks away than walks off to a new path. 

Whats so sad about it is that I followed him after he left. For a reason that remains unknown to me, I have this feeling of security when being around Zayn. I continue to put all my faith onto him, even when I know he is not stable enough to be around or trust. I have given up on so many things and became an outsider of this cruel world, but he is the only thing I hope who will confront the dull eyes that I have featured on me. 

I am just so tired of losing things, that I made it offical I do not want to lose him or the other lads. I am an unemotional and stony-hearted person, but I have gotten to know these boys as my own family and they did try to help me. You can hurt yourself, but you cannot hurt the ones that questioned why you hurt yourself. It just is not right.

"Niall hurry up!" Liam yelled from down the hall and he pulled a white T-shirt over his head. We are heading to a meet and greet, so I sign one last time before leaving the room and I walked down the hall like the dead person began. 

..........................

Dear Diary, 

I don't think I want to die yet. Not after today.

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A/N: THIS IS A FILER

be excited. also I am offically accepting prompts