the boy i am........isn't me (spanking)

t w o

I changed the story in this chapter. It use to be spanking, but I did not like it. 

....

Life hits you hard on the ass when you try to be involved in something that you know you will never truly be part of. It is okay though. I was always lonely as a child so I spend my young years daydreaming. Daydreaming often put a mask over my head, shielding me from all things cruel and wicked in my life.

Humans are odd.

 I never truly understood the purpose of helping others. Sure, a person could be going through emotional difficulties, but we all do eventually. It seems like every ones obligation is to be kind, yet while we help other people, we never consider why their problems should become our problems. Yes, we do care about the other person, but why should we get involved when we were not meant to in the first place 

I also do not understand the point of fixing someone that is permanently damaged. You try to help someone, yet that someone does not even know who the fuck they even are, since they are so scarred inside. I  am still trying to find myself, yet all these fuckers decide they know themselves and know every other person in this damn world 

Sometimes I feel that life is sucking the youth out of us, and in return to fill the gaps it left it replaces it with misery. I often believe it is only me who is even aware that we are dying. I have been feeling so apthetic lately. People have been noticing the "changes" in me.They keep trying to "fix it." The only fixing we need is what our society puts in our minds.

We do not grow up being religious. We do not grow up hating other. We do not grow up with certains roles and rights (example: women's rights), and we certainly do not grow up believing if someone is not a certain way they must be "fixed." 

If they are depressed they need to be fixed. If they are abused they need to be fixed. If they are not smary they need to be fixed. If they do not get good grades they need to be fixed. If someone wants to something extreme they need to be fixed....

But there is nothing I could do.

My bandmates have given up long ago that I am just the way I am. I want to be alone. I grew up to be a lonely person full of thoughts; deathly thoughts that should be better not spoken, to be specific. 

Now I promise myself I need to repay for all the shit I made them go through. I know they try to hide it, but its obvous they are no longer fond of me. I once tried to share my thoughts to Harry, trying to talking about the afterlife and wondering what will happen when we die but he got frightened and excused himself as he threw up in the bathroom.

He probably thinks I am a freak for even thinking of it, but truly I worry and wonder why no one does. It is happen us all, yet no one even puts a thought to it.

I made a promise to myself that the rest of my weeks go out to them. 

 I can not be perfect.....thats just retard

but I will at least try to be apart of them. We use to be close and I use to be stable, so I owe it back to them to be stable again when the day of my breathing ends.

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