What She Wanted To Say.

11. Ask Around About Your Light.

Therapist: Can you tell me what happened?

Self: I got too caught up and I slipped up. And things started to fall fast. And I couldn't keep up. And I pushed some people away in the process. And I'm hurting. And I don't know up from down and life from death. And he left. And said I was too much. And said I was too much. Said I was too much. Said I wasn't enough. And maybe if I wasn't like this. He would have stayed. But he said I was too much. And I'm hurting and I don't know up from down or life from death. And he left. And said I was too much.

Therapist: Is that exactly what he said? That you were too much? That you weren't enough.

Self: No. he said my Borderline Personailty was too much. He said my depression and anxiety was too much. He said the way that I panic was too much to handle.

Therapist: So he didn't say you were too much then.

Self: Then why do I feel like I was too much, like I was the problem? Like I brought his life nothing but negativity? All the effort and attention and affection I poured into him wasn't reciprocated the way I wanted. Because I went and fucked it up. Being myself. I fucked everything up.

Therapist: All of those feelings you feel are all man made. You created the problem. You created the situation. You held yourself accountable and sometimes that's not enough for some people. Some people are not going to be comfortable with who you are. It was okay for him to leave. Not everyone can handle -

Self: I'm going to leave. Maybe you're not the right therapist. Because if you think I need to be dealt with, or handled, if those are the terms you're going to use than you don't understand. I am perfect the way I am. All that I ask is to be accepted for who I am. Work with me and what I have to offer. That's all I have to give. Am I not enough? Is the love I give not enough to look past the bullshit I never asked to be diagnosed with?

Therapist: Calm down. I only meant that not everyone can handle someone that's this strong. Because you are strong. Your body isn't like everyone else's. Your brain isn't like everyone else's. Your heart isn't like everyone else's. It makes you unique. It makes you different. It sets you apart from the norm. And no one is normal. God made you this way for a reason. He doesn't throw things at you that you personally cannot physically or mentally handle.

Self: ...

Therapist: The future isn't set in stone. You don't know what things will be like a day or a week from now or even a month. You're going to struggle to be okay with who you are. And once you have gone through the mud with your identity, you'll come out even more blessed. You'll come out even more powerful. You as a whole are unique. And no one should be told otherwise. You're not toxic. You're not negative. You bring light and hope and positivity to lives you impact. Ask anyone who knows you how their life has been impacted by yours. Ask them and listen for once. Can that be our next assignment? Ask around about your light so that you can hear and hold yourself to the high standards that people speak when they're asked about you.

Self: I can do that.

Therapist: He left, and I know you're hurting. And life makes no sense, just like death. But he didn't say you were too much, he said it was too much for him to handle, your diagnosis. He didn't walk away he stepped back. So you could take a step forward in your life and get right. We've been at this for years, when are you gonna see the light that you are?

Self: I don't know. I thought I saw my light but now it's gone. It's so dim I can barely see it.

Therapist: You only feel like that because he left.

Self: I didn't want him to leave.

Therapist: And you can not control a man.

Self: ...

Therapist: Ask around and listen to what others have to say about your light and maybe their words will make you feel less empty and alone. He was just a body that kept you warm for a little while. Things could change but don't hold onto that. Hold onto yourself. Your light shines bright enough that you'll be okay. Even if he leaves. Remember that and you'll be golden. We'll discuss more next session. I'm expecting you to do your assignment. It's 3:00PM and I know you're ready to race out the door. Talk soon.

Self: Yeah, we'll talk soon.

She walks to the door and waits, hand on the doorknob she thought to herself, "If I was strong, powerful and unique, why wasn't that enough to keep him." And then she switched her perspective, "Maybe if I believed I was strong, powerful and unique, if I would have listened to the things he said to me. Maybe he would be here."

She leaves knowing everything that's burdening her is her fault. But will She apply herself to learn from this? To take something from this heartache.

All we can do is hope.