Missing You Again

Try Again

Zacky stuck to my side day and night. Much to Sean's amusement he took up residence in one corner of my office with his laptop. Every once in a while he'd disappear for an hour or so only to reappear just when I'd thought that maybe he'd calmed down a bit and was backing off. Usually his reappearance was accompanied by a tasty snack so I wasn't complaining too hard.

To my dismay we'd not discussed our relationship. Oh I'd tried but he'd shut me down every time. He was courteous and interested in The Spawn but us as a couple? As K-Wow and Snookie or whatever the hell we'd been? Nothing.

To make matters worse the first morning he'd arrived, somehow we'd both found our way to my bed and crashed. It was the best sleep I'd had in days. Steph and Brian had cleared out pretty quickly, headed for parts unknown, to indulge their thirst for adventure and vacated my spare room. Even with the empty room available to him Zacky still found his way into my bed each night. His presence in my bed had me sleeping like the baby I was carrying. Zacky curled around me every night with his hand on my belly? How could I complain about that? Well I wasn't complaining publicly at least but I gave myself some pretty stern lectures in the bathroom mirror. There were times when I was furious with myself for being so accepting of his hot and cold behaviour, usually these were followed by me being furious with myself for being furious. Confused? I was.

It didn't feel right, maintaining a façade of cool politeness with Zacky throughout the day, other than at the times when I was vastly, effusively grateful to him for bringing me food, and then curling up at night in bed with him. I wasn't sure how much more my poor broken heart could take. But was I going to confront him? No, no I was not. I didn't feel I had the right.

What I wanted was for things to be back to the way they'd been before that horrible night at Matt and Caitie's house. Sometimes things even felt normal. There were moments where we forgot how hurt and angry with each other we were. Someone would say something or a scene on the television would trigger a memory and our eyes would meet as we smiled with the warmth of a private joke that was shared between the two of us. Then we'd remember how things currently stood and we'd quickly look away trying to hide our mutually stricken expressions.

There was one thing I knew all too well about him from our years of friendship and it was the reason why I kept my furious tears for the safe haven of the shower and my furious arguments for my own reflection in the bathroom mirror. Zacky loved Halloween. It was his thing. Every year since I'd known him I'd receive exhaustive updates on his latest plans for decorations and costumes for his favourite night of the year. This year I'd heard nothing. Oh, he'd started the planning when things were still good between us and his plans had been big, but since he'd arrived in London I'd heard nothing even though it was only a few days away. Not once had he pushed or hinted that I should wrap up my business to suit his time frame. Once he'd realised that I was genuinely in London to work and not in support of some convoluted plan to avoid him and restrict his access to The Spawn he'd been calm and supportive.

The only hint of friction had been when he'd realised that it was my habit to take the Tube in to the office. I'd insisted; he'd stubbornly refused to entertain the notion on the grounds that I needed to take better care of myself and The Spawn; I'd disagreed stating that catching public transport was the act of someone wanting to leave a better environmental footprint for my child's future; he'd informed me that my intentions were laudable and that when I was no longer transporting both myself and The Spawn I was welcome to get back amongst the crowds of people on steep stairs and escalators; I'd advised him that although his concerns had been noted I'd still be utilising the engineering marvel that was the London Underground. I needn't have wasted my breath. The next morning when I'd briskly trotted up the steps from my basement level flat entrance a car was waiting for me. I'd briefly contemplated ignoring it and continuing on my merry way to the tube station but Zacky, who was following close behind me, leaned in and whispered in my ear, "Don't even think about it." Proving just how well he knew me. I took the car.