Assassins, Detectives, and the Mafia

(My Last Promise To You) and I Live On In Dying Memory

Shuichi has never been strong.

He's always been the weak, small one, hiding behind Kokichi. Always been the one who wasn't strong enough to smile.

Kokichi smiled enough for both of them.

Now he's gone.

And Shuichi doesn't know how to smile anymore.

He's not just 'rusty' as some would put it, he literally cannot remember what it feels like to be happy. Dark thoughts swirling around his head without Kokichi to block them out.

You are a jinx, Shuichi Saihara. You cared for Rantaro, he died. You cared for Kaede, she died. You cared for Kokichi, he died.

Stop caring.

And is it selfish, to want to care? He wants to love. He wants to be able to open up without collapsing back into despair, those darkened tendrils dragging him back into the depths of his own mind.

It's a dark place. It's a scary place.

Kokichi would make it just a bit brighter with his smile. Just a bit brighter with his ever-present happiness and cockiness that Shuichi tried so hard to emulate, but never quite could.

Is it selfish, to want Kokichi back?

He's not sure how long he's been lying on his bed. Long enough for the numbing of ice cream to stop and the number of tissues to dwindle down to none. Because everywhere he looks is Kokichi. Whether it's Kokichi reading, Kokichi playing a game, Kokichi eating chocolate, Kokichi helping him with a crime web, Kokichi's absence is so profound it hurts.

The roar of the silence is a strange new sound that he's not entirely certain he likes. It's never quiet. Kokichi never left him to his spectres.

And yet, the liar's face seems to be imprinted on his eyelids. Everywhere he looks, everywhere he thinks, everywhere he is is Kokichi.

Grief is a dangerous emotion, threatening to engulf him. A large wave on the beach, dragging him back into its depths, never letting go of him with its riptide. Instead, the wave just hits him again and again and again and he just wants to breathe.

Breathe.

It's so damn hard to move. So damn hard to go anywhere when all he wants to do is waste away, see Kokichi again. Because it should be Kokichi here, not him.

Kokichi would smile, hold out a hand and he would take it. They would run away, happily, and Kokichi could stop the voices in his head, because Kokichi would never be one of them.

"You let me down, Saihara-kun."

"I cared about you, and you let me die."

"You promised to move on for me."

And how damn pathetic is that? He wants to move on, but his entire being is one with Kokichi. Like two strings tied into each other. You can't untangle one without cutting the other.

Is that all Kokichi is? A cut string?

No.

No no no no no nononononono.

Kokichi was life. A bright spotlight in the dim misery that is his life.

But now, without the spotlight, the stage isn't set.

Nobody can see the actors.

Nobody can see him.

The show can never start.

Without Kaede to be his voice, without Rantaro to be his eyes, without Kokichi to focus the world on him and smile, there's nothing for him.

The world has fallen out from under him, and there's nothing left. Just the last fragments of someone who once was Shuichi Saihara.

And it hurts so badly because nobody can see him anymore, and nobody can see them anymore, and wouldn't it be better if the world could see them, and not see him?

So why.

Why is he still here, while they're... not?

"I love you, Saihara."

The words flow out of Kokichi's pen and onto the pristine white paper, loops and lines mixing to create a perfect message. It's Kokichi's last words, and he wants to make them count.

"Dear Shuichi Saihara,

You know I love you. Hell, I'd be surprised if you didn't.

You are the light in the darkest parts of my life. You're the person that gets me out of bed every day and makes life worth living.

And to be honest, I can't imagine life without you.

So no matter what happens to me, I want you to live. I want you to live for me, so that I can move on in peace.

And I know it's going to hurt. It's going to hurt like hell, and I'm not asking you not to hurt.

I just want you to try.

Try to appreciate life, because it's a gift. It's my gift to you.

Because I can't imagine a life without you in it, so I figure I must have given my life for you.

Please, Shuichi. I want you to be happy. I don't care what that takes. You can move on, I know you can. You don't have to love me forever. I just want you to be happy.

So if you do anything for me, just do this.

Please, try to be happy. Please.

I know it must be hard. But you're not alone. You have friends. You have Kaede, Kaito, and Maki. They'll take care of you if I can't.

Please, Shuichi. I just want you to be happy. I couldn't bear to leave you alone if I didn't know you'd be okay, and I know you will. You're the Ultimate Detective. You can do anything.

Including move on.

So leave me behind, please. For your sake. Live your life to the fullest, and if you need a reason, then do it for me.

Okay?

I'll assume you said yes and sign off for now.

Your love,

Kokichi Ouma."

Shuichi's tears splatter onto the pages of the letter, distorting Kokichi's pristine handwriting into incomprehensible scribbles.

"Why... Kokichi?" he whispers, paper clutched tight in shaking hands. "I love you... you can't ask me to leave you behind..."

"Live your life to the fullest, and if you need a reason, then do it for me."

"Do it... for you?"

Shuichi gently places the paper on the table, handling it like a priceless treasure.

"I could do anything for you, Kokichi, but..."

"Please, Shuichi. I just want you to be happy. I couldn't bear to leave you alone if I didn't know you'd be okay, and I know you will. You're the Ultimate Detective. You can do anything."

"You can do anything, Shuichi."

And for a second, it's like Kokichi's arms are around him, and his voice echoes in Shuichi's mind.

"You can do anything."

Shuichi wipes a last tear off his face, scrubbing his eyes with the sleeve of his jacket.

"I can do anything, huh?"

He tears open the window blinds, forcing bright sunlight into the room. It's blinding, but he relishes it.

"I'm going to live on for you, Kokichi. Just like you asked me too."

And for the last time, he can hear Kokichi's voice, floating on the breeze.

"Thank you."