My Perspective

I

2019...

To live my life every day and not feel anything, to
feel nothing, nothing at all. Not happiness, not
sadness, not angriness, just emptiness. I want
nothing but to feel something, but I can't. What do I
do? How do I feel that genuine happiness I once felt
before? I walk this street every night trying to
cleanse my soul, giving me time to heal, to feel, to
move, to live. I wish I wasn't so numb to
everything.

Waking up today feels like a buzz for me, feels so
"ugh." Why wake up to live a non-exciting life? I'm
living but my soul isn't. Why is it? Is it because I'm
in this stage. Stage of depression? Stage of being so
Miserable? Stage of scaredness? I fear not being
accepted. I fear being a disappointment like I once
was before. Never have I ever seen myself dying on
the inside and drowning in my sorrows. Since the
age of 10 I've been hit with a large breeze of
Depression. Battled with it for years, but the one
moment I feel it goes away and never comes back,
it does. I start to feel good about myself, I start to
get myself "popping" again, growing that bomb
confidence that I once had before. But it comes...
and it comes, it destroys it all for me. I let it... I
agree, but how can I stop something so powerful? I
don't feel strong enough, I don't feel "Okay"
enough. But one day I will.

Will it be Today? Tomorrow? Next Week? Or right
now, at this very moment? at this moment in my life
RIGHT NOW! DO I FIGHT IT?
I love being able to be me, but sometimes I feel like
I can't. I feel trapped in my own space sometimes,
even if I'm just alone where I should be
comfortable.
Over the years I built this thing called "my happy
place." I fill that place up with everything that
makes me happy and that I love. For instance, I love
to cook, I love to eat, I love listening to all genres of
music, I love to draw, I love fashion, and I love my
pets. They're all a part of my happy place. Doing it
all makes me happy especially when I'm feeling a
piece of nothing.
I look in the mirror and see this weird looking
person, and it isn't me. It was someone else. This
person looked so broken, so hurt, so full of tears and
had a dying soul thats showed from the inside out. It
looked like me, but it wasn't. It wasn't the real me it
was the "fucked up me." How did I let this thing
come into my life and turn me into this person? I let
myself down.
I go places and feel like I'm living my life, smiling,
laughing, and enjoying the atmosphere. I sit for one
moment and "boom" I start thinking... "you still
have to deal with your demons later..."

I want to have reasons to live and to be free without
battling this huge depression spirit that's floating
around my soul; being there. I want to be the kind
of free where nothing and I mean nothing is in my
way. I want to be able to have that type of freedom
where I'm able to love my true self.
This is me, the dysfunctional human, trying to cope
with the terrible hardships as I move through my
life finding and building myself.

This is "My Perspective"...