My Perspective

II

I love myself.

I hate myself.

Am I Important?

Am I loved?

Will they ever love me?

Will I ever be wanted?

Will I ever look good?

I'm so useless!

I want to die!

God Please.......

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You try to feel good about yourself, but that doesn't work
out so well. You fight with demons Within yourself, and
nobody is helping you fight. You want someone's help;
you want to feel like somebody is there.

You want to vent, scream, and release in many different
ways, but you can't. You feel trapped, alone, scared,
worried, stupid, crazy, and ugly all at once.

Those are your inner demons. They want you to feel that
way. They want you to feel like there's no escape, that
there's no hope, that you aren't pretty or handsome, that
you are useless! That you are stupid, that you are too
skinny or too fat! THAT YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE HERE, BECAUSE NO ONE LOVES YOU! NO ONE CARES!

But there is hope, there is an escape, you do deserve to be
here, someone does care, and YOU ARE AMAZING!
I was walking one day, around my area in my
neighborhood and the atmosphere felt different. Walking
to my destination and sitting on the bench, letting the
wind just breeze upon my skin, as I closed my eyes,
taking deep breaths... gave me the moment to take in a lot.
I then realized this is the moment, this is where I start to
fight and take control of my own body again. I will be in
control, I thought.

This fight I put up at that very moment felt good. It was a
start to something new, something amazing, something
different. My soul was crying out to me, I felt so
disappointed in myself to let myself get this low and to let
myself go through such demonic treatment, and giving
myself this ultimate beat down, and giving myself this
swarm of negative energy! of sad energy! of hurt energy!
Of complete betrayal...

Opening up my heart again means everything. I don't
want to be so hurt anymore and taking it out on other
people. I didn't... so I started a new road that will pay off
in the end before they lay me to rest.
I used to think I wouldn't make it past 16, let alone make it
to 16 and now I feel like I can.

It's taking me small steps to get to victory. Taking time
and patience for me to get everything good that I ever
desired in my life in my presence. I feel so determined
and confident about the actions I'm making and directions
I'm going in... I feel good. Most of all I feel grateful and
truly amazed at my future.

I used to think once this bad thing came and take me in,
that my life was it for me. I thought once it came it wasn't
nothing I could do.

You feel this emotion of defeat and it's horrible... it's
breathtaking, it's tiring, it's overwhelming, it's the most
hideous thing you ever witnessed, but GOT DAMN it
was a fucked up sight to see and tuff situation to
experience.

I love laying my head on my pillow staring at the pitch
black walls, falling into deep thoughts about crazy things.
"What does the outside look like?" How do I not know
what the outside looks like? I have been outside before,
haven't I? or have I been there on the outside physically,
but emotionally I've been caged? Trapped in this
emotional cage in my mind, not paying attention to the
physical appearance of the outside, because I'm so
trapped in the inside.

I am always up late nights trying to SURVIVE
DEPRESSION. I can't sleep, my head hurts, my
body aching. I'm weak! YOU WEAK! WE ALL
ARE WEAK!

So tired of filling my bed with tears. So tired of
having sleepless nights. So tired of suffering.
"UGH!" What do I do? This truly is some
frustrating shit.

I remember my years in middle school. I was this
tuff person on the outside, I was respected, I was a
menace to middle school. Had a few haters, but
never really understood what for? I wasn't living
that life, I wasn't wealthy like them, I wasn't that
mother fucker that everybody loved! I showed no
mercy on the outside, but the inside I was rotting,
like how you sit bread out for so long watching
it expire and mold each and every day...
just dying from the inside out, outside in.

I did things that I wish I never did to my body, now
I'm walking with scars that are physically and
emotionally being shown through my eyes and
visible on my body.

DAMN! Why would I fuck myself up. These scars
are reminders of what I used to do, where I could
be, who I used to be...

Sometimes I feel like the world and my life is
moving too fast. I just want it to stop for a minute!
To gather myself, to catch up and start everything
off right.

I want to throw that energy of negativity inside me
out and burn it inside a fire. I don't deserve to be
taunted every second of the day by this thing.
For once in my shit circus life, I want to feel free
from it all. Thoughts about walking the beach,
spinning around in my cute outfit, looking at the
sky, and having a big smile plastered on my face...
Is what I hope for one day. That is the vision I have
after winning the battle.

Why do I feel alone, when I know it's people around
that love me and care about my wellbeing? But
WHY DO I FEEL THIS WAY? WHY DO I FEEL
LIKE NOTHING? WHY DO I FEEL LIKE IF I
DIED TODAY NO ONE WOULD CARE? But...
They would.

I remember feeling like I wasn't good enough, let
alone perfect. I tried to fix myself, but nothing was
working...

Can I go back in time where I was confident? Can I
go back in time where I was living my best life?
Can I go back in time? Can I?

I want to know, are their others like me? It can't be.
Nobody is dealing with what I'm dealing with. I'm
the only one. Am I? ...