My Perspective

III

Heavy on relationships, got damn what a curse. I hate
how gullible I seem sometimes. Craving that attention,
craving the damn thing called love in the wrong people
and places. What a disaster waiting to happen, with my
gullible seeming ass!

I forced that love on that person! They didn't love me.
They didn't care about me; let alone they didn't need me.
Well, I'll be damned, that low down dirty shame of a
human left me high and dry. Drained the energy from my
body, love from my heart, soul from my inner chest.
Wonder why I can't keep no damn friends? Wonder why
I can.t find the perfect one for me? Wonder why I gave
the benefit of the doubt to people who stabbed me in the
back, back to back? Because their friends weren't really
my friends. They say they'll always be there, but where
the hell was, they antennas when I was battling the worse
thing in my life? Friendship isn't just about going out and
having fun. Friendship is about you being there for one
another, holding it down for one another, never leaving
them to fight on their OWN! But these sick people I
called my friends betrayed me. They left at my most
needy moment, but I bet myself... "If you killed yourself
today, what the fuck would they say? I'm sorry? You
were my friend? I love you?" Man, oh man, the I'm sorry
would've been too late, the I love you would've been a
waste, and the you were my friend would've been full of
shit.

Anybody that wanted me didn't want me for me. They
wanted to abuse and hurt me. I felt pain before, but it isn't
nothing compared to being hurt by the person you
explained your pain to, gave your everything to, spent
time into, put your trust and love into. It isn't nothing like
that. It's sickening for someone who claims they love you and they'll always be there for you, betray you and cause
you more pain than the pain you tried to get rid of. Shit!
People left and right trying to get at you, make you theirs,
but you aren't going for it. "When you going to stop
playing?" Psh! when you going to take a damn hint that
I'll never give you a chance! Why would I give a filthy
thug an opportunity to hurt me? To beat me down like its
name is Depression, I'll rot in my own body before I let a
fool hurt me!

But sometimes... I think, am I going too hard? Is This
human really trying to hurt me? Or does this human really
want to give me the world? Is my guard to high up? Or
am I acting just, right? Hmm, I don't even know this
human? Why judge them? I'm just scared, that's all.
Scared to let another force take me to that place again.
Sometimes I feel like why people want me. I'm not all that
and a full course meal. I'm not this perfect human being.
I'm a mud platter, the kind of mud we use to create
outside when we were little with our friends. That's what I
think of myself, so if I think that way of myself why
would someone want me? Ha, to take advantage of my
sensitive feelings and soul? To transfer they toxic demons
sent by Satan himself into my body. Psh. Not today devil!
Not Ever!

It'll be different to feel genuine love, but I just can't risk
my wellbeing again, because of this person that wants to
be inside my life.

I'm just another somebody that nobody wants. If nobody
wants me, should I care? or should I?
not? Sometimes I feel like I'm not worthy of someone to
love me how I want. I fear being used so much, but thats
goes for friendships, not just relationships. People who you call your friends use you in ways you least expect, and you can't help but to be confused on why? Putting your time and energy into other people will leave you sick, especially if the energy isn't being
returned.

I bust my ass for people, why can't nobody do the same
for me? Ungrateful scum bags will leave me in a ditch
and rob me of everything I have if an opportunity like that
was giving. I watched so many people come in and out
my life I believe I'm starting to become immune to it.
People will try to mess you up emotionally and not care.
Those are the people who try coming into your life every
day.

I saw good in people who others saw bad in; I was a fool
to give a negative force a chance to live a life of good. I
messed up and they lucked up. How could I be so stupid?
It took me back to when depression used to come sneak
up on me and I'll give up without a fight. It's like a replay
of it all, but this time I'm dealing with actual human
beings, and I could've stopped them right when they tried
to enter.

I'll beat myself down all day about making the wrong
decisions when it comes to people. I'll curse at myself for
having the kind heart that I have, knowing people feed off
kind hearts, people love to see someone's perfect heart
dying and suffering from the damage they caused.
When you are in a relationship you feel like your worries
that you once had should go away, but they don't... it gets
worse. I learned why... because when you're in a
relationship giving your all and the person is giving
nothing... nothing at all, your problems just double.

Imagine trying to hold a relationship together by your
damn self while battling anxiety and depression. It isn't
fun... it's the worst thing ever. You feel alone when your
partner is supposed to be there helping you move on from
that horrible place. Instead, they sink you down in that
place letting you suffer!
Crazy how one person can make you feel a thousand
different ways huh?
Friends! How many of us have one?
Men! How many of us need one?
Women! How many of us want one?
Toxicity! How many of us can survive it?...