My Perspective

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I learned to stop giving my all when I should be giving
nothing. Not everybody deserves you or your loves,
neither do they deserve your heart. Some people are just
so evil, evil enough to come into your life and make it a
complete living hell.

I had points in my life where I was trying so hard to help
build a person up, and I began to become emotionally
drained. Emotionally and mentally messed up because I
lost myself trying to assist them in their growth.
Truth is they didn't want to become better, they wanted to
drain the energy, love, and time that I have stored inside
of me over the years. I never understood how a person
can just come, ruin everything for you in your life, and
take advantage of the love you wanted in return.
I used to ask myself sometimes, Am I worth loving? Am I
capable of loving myself? Is my past a reason why I can't
be loved?

I'm cruising this life everyday searching for love in the
wrong people and places, and it makes me look so
desperate. I just want to experience the same genuine love
and support that I gave others. I believe I became drained
from it all, and now I'm searching to see if anyone can
help me regain it. I wish I didn't look so desperate.
I found out why I became a love seeker. I didn't have love
within myself. I notice that all the pain I went through,
and the times I got taken advantage of, it drained me, and
it put me in this position where I felt less of myself. I
didn't love myself or who I was anymore. I'll walk the
streets and the walkways of buildings putting on this show
like I was happy to be alive, and happy to be me, but I
wasn't. I was miserable, I wanted that love.48
I feel so crazy considering, I never once tried finding that
love within myself, I tried finding it through other people.
I start to really think about it, why am I searching for love
to store within myself through other people, when I could
restore the love on my own? It isn't easy, it's not rocket
science, but it's a process. Every day is a process to build
the love you want for yourself, right back into the spot it
belongs in.

Love is a strong word, that has a lot of meanings to it, but
anybody could say it and not have any meaning to it.
Wondering if anybody that has told you "I love you"
really meant it? How can you tell if they meant it? Their
actions? Sometimes their actions can be deceiving and
could be a cover up for how they really feel, right? Or
their actions are really true? So many things I wonder
about. So many things I want answers to, so many
thoughts, so many.

But there is one thing I do know, instead of searching for
that love in everyone that comes into your life, try
searching for the love within yourself, because it starts
with you, it starts within you.

Have you ever just craved a certain type of energy? The
type of energy that makes you feel so good and great to be
alive. Yes, I have once... but after I lost myself, I didn't
feel that energy anymore. People will and can come into
your life, will act so perfectly, show you things you never
saw before, and you began to experience the love you
never had. Some people's true intentions are covered by
their charm and decisive ways.

Always expect the unexpected, don't be surprised when
you think the person you wanted a bond with forever
stabs you in the back. Don't be surprised, when the energy
you wanted to feel again, very much become toxic.

As a person who wasn't really built around the foundation
of love, I crave it a lot.
There's something about the feeling, and experience that
makes me want it more. Everyone deserves to witness
and feel real love and positive energy, and without that
you feel like nothing.

You heart is so fragile, whether you are a female or male,
the type of heart you have will always be sensitive. We
can always tell people that we are cold hearted, and we
don't care about anything, but deep down we do. And,
once someone does anything to trigger that sensitivity
level in our hearts, we know it'll heart more than ever. It's
okay to admit we need and want love. It's okay to admit
that our hearts deserve pure wellness, it's okay to crave the
amazing energy that our hearts need.

I'm so scared to let people into my world, into my body,
into my soul, into my mind, into everything, but someday
I will stop fearing it, and allow the open access to me. If I
know the person is genuine and wants to bring that light
upon me, I will be a little lenient and let it happen.
There are moments where I don't feel anything. I feel like
my heart is numb from so much pain. I feel like my mind
is full of toxic energy. Then, there are moments where I
feel extremely good, and my mind is cluttered with great
vitality.