Mid Summer

fifty one,

Closure.

Jeno asked if he wanted closure. At the time, he didn't. It didn't seem necessary, and it wasn't something Renjun wanted to initiate.

But right now, closure seemed nice.

Closure.

To Renjun, it was a scary word. Closure meant confessing, meant regretting and it meant humiliating. And Renjun thought he was so much more than that, so much more then succumbing to the pressure and lust of wanting closure.

But here Renjun was, in front of Donghyuck's dorm room.

He felt stupid.

So incredibly stupid.

Renjun could very well continue to live his life without telling Donghyuck about how he truly feels, without telling him that on his eighteenth birthday, he got his name as a tramp stamp, without making Donghyuck wallow in guilt and worry.

Because Renjun was fine.

And closure didn't seem appealing.

But Renjun was human. And he had a limit. There was a lot he'd to for Donghyuck, there was a lot he'd put himself through, a lot he'd let himself get beat around for before letting Donghyuck suffer. But Renjun wanted to live. He was tired of bleeding and tired of bruising. Renjun wanted out and he wanted to be free.

And it was humiliating to him.

Nonetheless, he knocks on the door, because he's stupid.

He waits for the door to open, because he's stupid.

And he trips over his tongue when Jeno opens the door, because he's stupid.

All in all, Renjun deems himself as stupid.

"You asked if I wanted closure," Renjun says after regaining his ability to talk. Jeno looks at him with an eyebrow raised, but with sympathy in his eyes. Renjun hates it. "I ask only one thing. Give me ten minutes."

Nodding, Jeno slips out the door, holding it open for Renjun. He doesn't say a word during the whole thing, and for that, Renjun is grateful.

"Jen, who was at the— Oh Jun!" Donghyuck exclaims, brightly, standing up from the chair he was sitting on. "What's up?"

Renjun didn't say anything, save for a little smile. He does walk closer to Donghyuck though, stopping when there was about a foot between them. Renjun looks into Donghyuck's eyes and thought they were the most mesmerizing orbs he'd ever seen.

But Donghyuck's eyes were for three other people to get lost in. All Renjun could go was admire the beautiful boy from afar.

"I have to tell you something," Renjun says quietly, bringing a hand up to brush Donghyuck's bangs away from his face. He's so lovely. And Renjun knows this. Donghyuck was lovely when he had black hair, the first time he met the younger, he was lovely with red hair, when Donghyuck came to the airport to send him off, he was lovely with confetti hair, from grainy skype calls, and he was lovely now, with honey brown locks.

Donghyuck was lovely, to no end.

Renjun's affection for him had no end.

"You sound serious," Donghyuck pouts, head tilting to the side. He didn't like seeing Renjun so stiff, it didn't suit the elder. "Loosen up." Donghyuck puts his hands on Renjun's shoulders, attempting to massage out whatever was making him seen so uncomfortable and ptight.

Renjun shouldn't torture himself like this anymore.

He closes his eyes, takes a deep breathe and removes Donghyuck's hands from his shoulders.

"I really," Renjun starts, sighing and opening his eyes. Renjun has wanted to say the next few words for the longest time, but under any other circumstance. "Really fucking like you Lee Donghyuck."

Renjun couldn't say love. He knew that'd make Donghyuck feel worse, and the last thing Renjun wanted was for Donghyuck to feel like shit at the end of this. That was for Renjun to feel like. Since he met Donghyuck, to now, he's always been unavailable.

Renjun hates himself for his feelings.

Donghyuck couldn't say a word, staring at the elder with his pupils blown wide, and Renjun couldn't say he expected anything else.

"I just needed to tell you," Renjun continues, letting go of Donghyuck's hands. "Because I wanted closure."

Donghyuck's head is spinning.

Renjun? Huang Renjun likes him?

But...

"Your name," Renjun starts, taking a tentative step closer to the younger. It was impulsive for him to say the next few words, but he really doesn't think he has anything to lose anymore. "Your name is my tattoo." He says softly.

Donghyuck's eyes get even bigger if possible.

Renjun brings one hand up to cup the younger's cheek, and the elder thinks that Donghyuck is even more of angel for letting him, after everything he's told him.

Renjun strokes a thumb along underneath his eye and over his cheek, and Donghyuck hates how he's never seen the fondness in Renjun's eyes until now. He's never seen how much adoration and affection Renjun had towards him until now.

Renjun came here, wanting closure.

And now, that's all he wants. He's determined to leave here, feeling lighter, and feeling like he could breathe again. Renjun has nothing to lose.

"If I had the chance," the elder whispers, staring Donghyuck right in the eyes. "If i had met you sooner... I would've loved you properly. Not from afar. I would've given you everything you're getting from others now. I would've loved you from right here, this close, with my entire heart.

"But I can't."

And Renjun's hand falls from his cheek, and he looks away from the younger's eyes, which have started to pool with the salty, warm liquid Renjun was all too familiar with.

He takes a step back, shoving his hands into his pockets.

Donghyuck, stands there in front of him. Frozen in place, tears swimming in his eyes and mouth partially open.

"And I'll miss you," Renjun continues, knowing Donghyuck wouldn't say anything. This was his moment anyways, this was his moment to lay everything out, once and for all. "And I'll think about you, always."

In his pockets, the elder's hands itch to grab onto Donghyuck again, to wipe away the tear that fell from his eye. Instead, he stands there, hands glued to the inside of this pockets, looking at the ground as he talks to the younger.

Renjun was always scared of his feelings towards Donghyuck. The many scenarios he'd imagined of himself confessing his feeling for Donghyuck, none of them were like this. But this was reality and Renjun needed to realize that. Reality sucks, especially when you're living in a state of mind where you want everything to go well. Especially when reality is mocking him.

"But don't worry Donghyuck." Renjun clears his throat, fighting back the wave of emotions which crash over him. "Continue loving who you truly love. Continue living how you truly want. Don't worry about me, and don't beat yourself up for it...

"Because soon enough, I'll forget about you."

And with that, Renjun turns around, lets his tears fall, and walks out the door.

Closure.

That's what he came here to get.

Closure.

That's what he's leaving with.

__________

this was me projecting my depression into renhyuck