returns ➴ letters spin off

for the eighth

monday - 1:09 p.m.

i thought this day was going to be different, and i was right, but it wasn't the good kind of different.

it started out like any other. i overslept, as usual because i haven't been getting very much sleep. my endless thoughts of you keep me up at night. i'm not blaming you though. i ran as fast as i could into the halls of the school, but somehow the sight of nick kissing you physically stopped me.

what the hell are you doing with him?

why aren't you with me?

oh yeah.

i let you go.

i let you slip away.

i left you.

i hurt you.

why did i hurt you?

i miss you.

i need you.

these were the string of thoughts that went through my mind as i saw him kiss you.

the kiss hurt a lot, aide. it did. but oh, the look on your face after, wow, it broke me.

it broke my heart.

your eyes lit up as bright as a thousand suns and your cheeks turned a deep shade of pink. you smiled sweetly and bit your lip, like you used to. i saw the familiar tiger dimples appear on each side of your cheek. i missed seeing those. you put all your hair to one side and tucked the remaining strands behind your ear. your left hand went up to your left shoulder and rubbed it with your thumb. you do that every time you get flattered, you know?

god, aide. you looked so beautiful. so damn beautiful.

what hurt was the memory of you getting that look on your face when i kissed you.

now, your eyes turn as dark as the night skies just by the sight of me. your everlasting smile quickly drops into a frown. i could see that you aren't truly happy, though. moments after he kissed you the look on your face disappeared.

i'm not happy either, aide. i'm sad all the time. i'm sad way more than i used to be.

the kiss though, messed me up more than usual. it got me thinking about hurting myself again. it got to the point where i dug up my old blade from the top shelf of the cabinet and got into the bathroom. i slipped the cover off revealing the still sharp blade, and just when it was about to graze my skin my alarm for practice went off.

it's still the voice memo you sent me once.

"eli, where are you?!" you screamed into the phone, "you're going to be late for the big game!"

"hurry up and get over here!" you continued, "and when you do, text me. i wanna show you the huge posters poppy and i made for you."

"they're covered in puffy paint and glitter!" poppy yells in from nowhere.

"she's right. now, get your ass over here!" you say then ending it.

i keep it like that because it's the only way i ever hear your voice saying my name anymore.

you saved me once before, aidey, and you keep saving me. i can't thank you enough for that.

you're the best thing that's ever happened to me.

and i blew it.

god, i just love you so fucking much.

-eli