returns ➴ letters spin off

for the fifteenth

monday - 8:05 p.m.

this was probably one of the worst days ever.

well, partly this day and partly the next.

i came home from the pizza parlor with a heavy heart and a mind full of thoughts of you. seeing you and poppy in one room brought back so much memories, all of them actually. especially the bad.i thought sleeping it off would be a good idea, but apparently it was the worst.

i saw you. i'm not sure if it was a dream or if it was a flashback because it was the day i left. i saw myself packing up my bags and getting into the black van and driving away. suddenly, time lapsed and i saw you run up to my front porch and knock on the door. you were greeted by my mom and she told you that i had left. she didn't say anything more, like i instructed her not to. you got back in your mom's car and drove to the park. when you got there you sat on the swings and started crying. you were crying so hard. rain came pouring down and you didn't even bother to get up. you just sat there, crying and crying and crying.
i had never seen you cry that hard, i felt like i was crying too. you finally stood up and got back in your car drenching the driver's seat.

you slammed your hands on the wheel and broke down crying even more. you drove back to your house and ran past your mom and poppy running straight up the stairs into your room and slamming the door. you looked so angry, you were so angry. you took the framed photo that you had of us and threw it onto the ground, the glass broke and put cuts on your hand. you collapsed onto the floor and didn't get up. your mom probably heard the glass break because she came running in trying to comfort you. 

it felt so real. the whole room started to look fuzzy and all i could hear was my heartbeat racing. it was like a drum beat that filled my ears at maximum volume.

suddenly, it was real.

my mom shook me awake because she heard me screaming in my sleep.

"eli, eli honey! wake up!" my mom screamed.

"i hurt her!" i remember screaming repeatedly and kicking my feet.

"no, eli, no you didn't." she lied, trying to calm me down.

"i did! i really did!" the hot tears came pouring out of my eyelids.

"you can still fix it honey, she'll forgive you." my mom said as she held me in her arms.

"i don't even deserve her anymore!" i start to shake. my chest starts to tighten and i find it harder to draw breath.

"i-i can't breathe." i start to say trying to draw in as much breath as i can.

"calm down, eli." my mom says

"i'll never get her back! i fucked up, mom!" i manage to say through sobs and deep breaths.

"i broke her heart," i kept repeating.

i don't remember how i was able to calm down because the next thing i knew it was morning and my mom was fast asleep on the couch in the corner of my room.

i'm so sorry.

i don't even deserve to love you.

- eli

p.s.
sorry for the tear stained paper.

i couldn't help it.

-

author's note:

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO WRITE PANIC ATTACKS I'M SO SORRY.
I TRIED OK.

hope u cried!

xoxo,
daisy

ps.

hope u liked it lily! this is for youuuu x 

also, i was listening to this love by queen taylor while writing this chapter OUCH