returns ➴ letters spin off

epilogue

sunday - 3:27 a.m.

aide's pov

i'm sitting here in your living room, soaking wet with a towel wrapped around me. your mom refused to let me go home knowing that my mother was out of town and i'd be home alone. it made me realize that i missed your mom.

i hear footsteps coming closer and i turn to see that talia is back- why didn't you say she was back?

"aide, here are some clothes. get in the shower and get dressed okay? the last thing we need is for anyone to get sick."

i nod and do as i'm told.

i crank the heat up until the water is practically burning my skin, but the thing is, it doesn't hurt. not as much as my brain does. the water is running down my back just as the thoughts are running through my head- where the hell could you be?

tears manage to start slipping again and i can feel my eyes start to swell. has it really been that long that i can't even guess where you went? i have no clue, eli. nothing.

the soap seems to cleanse my body but i can't seem to cleanse my thoughts. all i think are dark thoughts. i keep thinking something bad is happening to you. please just come back and show me it isn't.

i'm drying myself now, but my skin isn't as dry as the back of my throat from all the heavy breathing. i keep hearing thuds in my ears, all coming from my heart.

i get into talia's old cotton shorts and your old baseball tee. it smells like you, i mean, of course it does. i brush the tangles out of my hair with my fingers and take a deep breath. i turn the knob and instantly the cool air hits my skin, then i'm shivering again.

talia is quick to hand me one of your family's famous thick quilts. i remember how you said your grandma would make them for you every christmas. it's enough to keep me from shivering, but not enough to keep me warm like you could.

"i didn't know you were back." i manage to choke out.

"yeah, the magazine is on a hiatus. they let me go home."

i've always adored talia. her style, her looks, her attitude- everything. mostly, i adored the way she loved you. if i ever had my own older sister i could only wish that she loved me as much as talia loved you.

"i know it's been hard for you," talia hesitates to continue. "eli told me what happened."

"what exactly happened, talia?" i hesitate. "because honestly, i don't know what did."

"he left me, and didn't tell me why. then he comes back and decides not to say a word to me?! that's bullshit! it's fucking crazy! how the fuck am i supposed to be okay with any of this?!... and now he's missing and so is my sanity!" i burst.

there's a silence which allows me to calm down.

"god, i just love him. so much." i say, my sobs louder than ever.

"he loves you too, aide, that's for sure. but the problem is, he doesn't love himself enough to trust himself with you." talia rubs my back.

i don't know what to say by this point.

-

i don't remember what happened next but all i know is that i ended up waking up to a sunset. i was lying on your living room couch, still covered in the quilt talia had wrapped me in earlier. it's weird because i felt everything, but i felt nothing. it was something i had never felt before.

i stood up slowly, trying not to give myself a head rush, but failing miserably. i held the quilt tighter onto me as my feet stood on the cold floor. i walked up your carpeted stairs and stood in front of your room for at least 20 minutes debating on wether i should come in or not.

"you should go in." talia emerges from her room.

"i can't."

"i'll go with you, if you want."

"yeah. that'd be nice." i give her small smile and hold onto your doorknob tightly.

i hesitate to turn it, but i do. i haven't been here in ages, but nothing has changed. your walls are still a dark blue and your bed sheets still have rugrats printed all over them. your books are all in check, the way you like them. arranged by height, color, and series.

your closet drawer is half open though, and i see your clothes peeping through. your desk is messy, as always. your papers lying everywhere and paper balls stuffed into the trash can below it.

i take a seat on the edge of your bed and just close my eyes, trying to remember what it felt like to have you in here with me.

but it's just so difficult.

i stand to scan the room again.

my attention is turned to the frame sitting on the top shelf above your desk. it's an old picture of you and me, years ago. i run my fingers across the glass.

"i wish we could go back," i whisper.

"i remember when i took that photo. you and eli had always loved hanging out there." talia smiles.

"yeah, i remember when he'd pretend to jump-" i stop in the middle of my sentence.

suddenly, my heart stops beating, only for a second. then it's beating, faster than it ever has before.

then i'm running again, out of your room, down the stairs, and onto the street. i hear talia yell, asking me where i'm going and i scream that i think i know where you are. she gets back into the house to tell your parents.

i'm running out of breath when i finally see the goddamn park. i stop for a second just to catch a little breath then run towards the bridge.

and there you are, standing on the edge of it. just like when we were little kids, but this time, i don't think you're pretending to jump off.

"i'm here! eli, i'm here!" i scream or cry, maybe a mix of both.

i'm running again, faster than i ever have before. i pull you off that goddamned bridge and hold you close, clutching you tightly.

now i'm looking straight into your eyes, my tears blurring my vision. you're crying too, though. i can tell. you're shaking. you take a deep breath and open your mouth to say something, but end up swallowing hard before you do.

then you finally say it,

"thank god you found me."