SOJOURNER (III): tmr gally

04: I should keep fighting

Ella 4

It's the first memory I have.

I'm sitting somewhere, in a building with white halls. My feet dangle above the floor, swinging back and forth like a pendulum. The boy next to me bites his nails. He has his feet pulled up against his chest, and his breathing gets heavier with every passing second.

The people bussing around us don't seem to notice him. I can't help myself from turning though.

"What's you name?" I ask him.

He looks up at me, through his tiny fingers. He doesn't say anything to me, just continues staring.

"They told me I had a new name." I tell him, waiting for him to answer. I wonder if he is playing the game with me.

"Me too," he says.

"It's all part of the pretend game," I answer. "Like house. What's your pretend name?"

"Eli," he tells me. "They call me Eli."

I nod, my head bobbing up and down. My black shoes continue swinging back and forth. My Mum dressed me in all my best clothes for today. It's got to be an important game, or else she wouldn't care so much.

"Well, they call me Emily." I don't really like that name, since mine is much prettier. My Mum gave me a better name.

I don't remember my mother, but I remember Eli.

We are sitting at a table, in a room full of tables. We are the youngest one's here. All the big kids are sitting and laughing with each other, so it's just Eli and me.

"Why aren't you eating?" He hasn't touched anything on his plate.

"I miss my Mommy," he answers, watching the food grow cold.

I don't know what to tell him. This game is going on a long time. I don't think we are going to be going home anytime soon.

"Tell me your real name," I offer. "That will help."

He shakes his head. "I can't. They will hurt me. They hurt another boy. He told me about it."

"We just have to play pretend then," I tell him. "With them, we can be Eli and Emily. Alone, we can tell each other our real names."

He seems to agree, but he still can't touch his food.

I don't remember what the name was. It seems to have been burned out of me.

I'm in a different room now, although this one still has white walls. Eli and I are standing in a doorway. There is a hand on my shoulder, pushing me towards the man in front of me.

"I don't know how they went on this long," someone says. "Five years, and we never caught it."

I don't recognize this man. He is new, probably. Hasn't been here as long as I have been, anyway. I spit towards him. Two of the men further back in the room drag me to the chair. I kick, and I scream, but they strapped me down. I feel the instruments aligning against my head, as I shake. They step back, and though I thrash up and down, I am trapped to the chair.

"Let me go!" I try to rip my hands out of the chair, but this is useless. "What are you doing?"

The older of the two men ignores me, though the other keeps sending me nervous glances. I glance over, and see my partner moving down into the chair next to me. He shakes, but he lets them strap him in. He's crying. Why won't he fight back?