Sincerely Yours, Bill Cipher

Without These Memories

"It's getting late," Dan says, looking at his watch. He and Seb have been here almost an hour since Seb's last transformation. He still hasn't changed back. "My wife will be worried. We'd better get home."
     He stands and says, "Snap, let's get going."
     Snapdragon has been playing a simple matching game with Mabel, and it suddenly occurs to me that he probably doesn't know how to play anything else. As the evening has drawn on, I've been catching mannerisms that are more little kiddish than grown up. However, it's endearing. He's trying his best in this sudden older body. Though he's only been like this for a few hours, I can already tell he wants to fit in as he is. He wants to change to fit into his own skin. Literally. Unfortunately, I know that he will have to keep this up if this doesn't end soon. Is it possible for a two-year-old to grow up as fast as he will force himself?
     "Seb." Dan says impatiently. "Mommy is waiting for us. It's time for bed. Darcy, Asher, and Tamryn are probably getting tired. They'll get upset if you don't have to go to sleep, too."
Sebastian stands up with a bit of reluctance. "Okay." He beams at Mabel. "Thanks for playing with me."
"You're welcome!" She smiles back and gives him a short hug. "Come over again soon!"
Seb's grin widens. "Really? Thanks!" He turns to his father and says, "Alright, I'm ready."
"Good." He looks to me. "I'll call you if anything changes. Thank you for allowing us to stay for a while."
I nod and we wave as they leave. But as soon as they shut the door behind them, I hear Seb say, "Wait! You can go start the car. I think I left something inside."
He comes back in alone this time. He reaches into one of his pockets and pulls out three vials of different colors. "I know Yule's here, too," he says, inspecting the bottles he's pulled out, "but the rest of you three can decide what to do with these. I thought you might like to try them out. They'll each wear out within a day. But this red one will change your hair color, the indigo one will change your flush, and the chartreuse one will change your iris color." He tucks the vials in Mabel's hands and says, "Gotta go. Bye-bye, everyone!" He promptly leaves.
     Mabel looks at the vials and says with a smile, "That was nice of him. I am totally trying out one of these."
Mabel hands me the red one, Dipper the chartreuse one, and takes the purple one for herself. "Cheers!" We uncap the vials and down them together.
I watch as Dipper's eyes swim from chocolatey brown to bright green-yellow.
Mabel giggles. "It feels tingly!" she shrieks, bringing her hands to her cheeks, which are beginning to take on a shade of purple. She takes a look at my hair. "Woah! It's so red! Hey, let's look in the mirror- I want to see what I look like!"
     The tree of us, Yule at our side, run to check out the mirror on the wall in the side wall of the living room.
      As soon as I see my reflection, an entire bout of new memories from my past life flood my mind. Oh my stars, the color my hair has taken on looks just like he did...
     How could I have forgotten them? Did I forget everything about my home dimension after I liberated it, literally left it in chaotic destruction?
     I stumble back from the mirror as my breath catches in my throat. Was I better off without these memories?
     "Bill?" Yule asks with worries eyes, hovering around me.
     "Bill, are you okay?" Mabel asks, catching my arm before I lose my balance from disorientation.
     "I- I," I stutter, completely confused. What should I be feeling? Loss? Relief? Fear? Regret? Happiness? None of those seem quite right. I left so much behind me. What else about my past life have I forgotten?
     "I forgot- forgot them," I make out, my voice unsteady. "The color of my hair stimulated some memories from millions of years ago."
     "From where you came from?" Dipper asks, intrigued, whipping a pencil out from behind his ear and a notepad from his pocket. It occurs to me that I've told them next to nothing about the 2-Dimensional Dimension. It occurs to me that before now, I've known next to nothing about the 2-Dimensional Dimension.
     "Yeah." I don't remember these people quite as humans, for we were all demons, yet, my mind sees these memories with a more human-like mind. These demons I knew look slightly more human, the 2-D dimension slightly less flat.
     But these three appear the most human to me, although we could've been nothing more than shapes. I remember them with so many jumbled memories, I need to sort out how I feel right now.
     "My siblings," I choke out, overwhelmed by this new door of my memories opened.
     "Siblings?" Dipper echoes. "I thought demons didn't have families."
     "So did I before now..." I answer. "But I don't remember parents or anything- or maybe that part of my memory is blocked off, too."
     "Was you family like... our family?" Mabel asks, pondering.
     "I don't think so," I answer, shifting from foot to foot, thinking. "I mean, sure, I guess, but this is a much more loving place. I can't say that I loved my siblings. At least, not all of them."
     "All of them? How many did you have?" Yule asks with interest.
     "Three, I believe." I close my eyes, envisioning them. "An older brother- red as the color of my hair now is. A little sister, purple with pride. Magenta with cruelty. Though she only acted like a terribly rude and disobedient human child. I had a twin brother, blue with cowardice, always hurt and ridiculed by our older brother. He-" New memories flood my mind, some good, others bad. "He would always be by my side. I never knew why. I was almost as terrible a demon as our brother. But... I supposed I cared for my twin as he did for me. He came to me for protection and safety. He was... probably the only thing in that dimension I had any care for."
     "Aww, that's so sweet," Mabel says with a smile. "I bet you miss him."
     Do I? Do I really? They're probably dead because of what I did to our dimension. If I really cared for them, even him, I wouldn't have caused so much terror for them. Or would I have? "I don't know if I do..." I answer with uncertainty. "If I did, I wouldn't have forgotten, would I? And even if I did, I wouldn't have cared enough not to liberate my dimension. Unless that's what they wanted, too. I just don't know..."
Mabel takes my hand and drags me back to reality. "It's over and done with now. I'm glad you have more of your memory back, but I don't want you to stress over the things that have already happened."
I appreciate what she's trying to say, but how can I not worry now that I know thousands of things that I didn't know before?