Sincerely Yours, Bill Cipher

A Better Person

"This is impossible!" I shout in frustration a short time later, downstairs with Yule, Pacifica, and Merrily. Seb is with us too. Obviously, our date plans were cancelled, and now we're wracking our brains for a solution to stop these pulses. "I have to make a choice to end these, or someone else does. But what? What? What could possibly make sense? There are a billon choices we could try, and we don't even know how much time we have left!"
"We aren't sure that the fevers will kill them," Pacifica puts in softly, her voice barely above a whisper.
"But another pulse will eventually kill somebody," I insist. "It's inevitable! If it's not Dipper and Mabel, Seb will probably be next, or some horrible, unforeseen pulse will kill one of us, or one of the others." My legs begin to shake and I have to sit down. "I can't- I can't have another one of you dying on my watch."
     We sit in silence for a little while, just thinking. Then, out of nowhere, Pacifica sobs. She covers her mouth with the back of her hand as her eyes fill with tears. "I can't l-lose him!" she cries, anguish across her face. "I love him too m-much!" She sobs again, such a guttural, heartbroken, unnatural sound to hear from someone who usually speaks in such a lighthearted and lilted voice.
I stand again, at a loss for what to do. Merrily walks over to Pacifica and wraps her arms around her comfortingly. Pacifica warms up the the embrace and cries against Merrily.
This is when it hits me. I could lose Mabel. She could be taken away from me just as Yule was. And she wouldn't come back.
I stagger backwards, a fearful moan escaping me. No, no, please, not her. What would I do without her precious, beautiful smile to light up my life? What would I do if I could never again tell her how much I love her? What would I be in a world without my Mabel?
Yule is at my side at once. "Bill? Bill, sit back down. You look faint."
Numbly, I nod, taking a seat right on the floor. "I wish I were never here," I whisper, my voice hoarse. I curl up, wrapping my arms around my knees and resting my head on top. "I bring disaster everywhere I go. I can't love anyone without them getting hurt."
     Yule shakes his head. "Not true."
     "Yes, true!" I shout back, unsuccessfully trying to keep my voice from shaking. "I hate myself for bringing such bad things on everyone, and I am the cause of all of this!" Stunned silence meets my outburst. "Any of you who disagree are wrong! Everything's my fault!"
     I see an emotion cross Yule's face that I've never seen on him before. He's angry. His mouth curls into a snarl, and intensity lights in his eyes. He thrusts his hand out at me, and I cry out as a sudden, sharp, blinding pain rips through my midsection. But as soon as it began, it's over, as if nothing happened. Stunned and gasping for breath, I look over at my best friend. "What in the galaxies was that?"
     "I've gotten more control over that since when I accidentally used it earlier this morning," he says with a satisfied nod. "But that," he continues sternly, "was for everything you just said. How inconsiderate you are, and you don't even know it! How many times do I have to tell you this to drill it into your thick skull? You are my best friend. I chose for it to be that way. When you say these things, it's like your saying you regret being friends with us. But I've told you before, and I will tell you again, as many times as it takes for this point to get across to you. We. Do. Not. Regret. Being. Your. Friends. You hear? Don't hate yourself when so many others love you! You yourself didn't inflict this chaos on us! Therefor, it's not your fault! Remember what Florian said this morning to Tyler? He was telling him how bad things happen, and that's just life! It's just life, Bill." He looks at me now, concerned, hoping his point came across.
"I'm so sorry," I apologize quietly, thoroughly embarrassed by my actions. "I know I come across that way. You've told me before. I'll try to change. I'm sorry. I should never have suggested that you all would be wrong to tell me that I'm wrong. That was really selfish of me. Please forgive me. Keep calling me out on my faults." I look up at all of them. "I want to become a better person for you guys." They nod in understanding and murmurs of relief in response.
I tenderly touch the part of my belly where Yule inflicted the pain moments ago. "Is that-" I struggle to find the right words, "is that how you felt when you were dying? That pain, every second?"
He nods gravely. "Yes." He looks away, ashamed. "I'm sorry I just did that to you. I know it's super painful, nothing anyone should ever go through again, but I didn't know how else to get your attention." He laughs gently. "You don't listen, Bill." He thinks for a second. "Now, I don't know if this still classifies me as a category one, but I don't even care. Do you guys?"
Merrily steps up to him, warmth in her gaze. "Of course not. You're Yule either way, whatever you may happen to be."
     "Aww, thanks, darling," he says playfully, with a smile that reaches his eyes and crinkles his nose. He bops her nose. "Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream," he sings.
     Merrily's face goes red. "Yule, no, stop."
     "Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily," he sings on with the widest smile ever, "life is but a dream."
     Merrily purses her lips defiantly in response, but I can see in her eyes how much she is enjoying the attention. A smile tugs at her lips.
     "You know, Yule," I say, though I hate to interrupt the moment, "you might be onto something with the choosing to be friends thing. That's a choice, and perhaps a choice on the right track. We may not be as far from ending the pulses as we thought."
     "Maybe so," Pacifica responds thoughtfully. She looks up toward the stairs to the second floor. "For now, all we can do is think on it, and wait for further news."
     I nod grimly. "Then it seems we've got a lot of thinking to do."