Sincerely Yours, Bill Cipher

All Your Fault

     For the past while, Yule has only allowed me to stay with him as he stares off into the distance in silence. Pain wrinkles his face, and he sighs, long and deeply.
     "You can't imagine how great it felt to have human contact again," Yule says softly, looking up at the ceiling. "I know it's hardly been a month since I died, but it's been so lonely, even though I've been around you all this entire time."
     "You're right," I reply, my voice thin. "I have no idea how in the galaxies you've been feeling, or how you feel right now. And I'm sorry, Yule."
     "You all have been saying that a lot recently," Yule notes, falling flat on his back. "And I reply that I'm sorry, too." He sighs again and purses his lips. "But I don't want to be saying those things anymore. We have nothing to be sorry for. This is nobody's fault. It's not mine, or even yours, Bill. What's happened has happened.
     "Yes, I still hate this. I will probably never be able to make contact with another person again. You wouldn't think that would be a big deal, but as soon as you loose that ability..." He remorsefully looks at his hands. "You could never even begin to imagine how painful it is to know that you'll never be able to-" he stops and begins to break down, but catches himself. "You'll never be able to form relationships like you used to. You'll never feel human again."
    My heart breaks for Yule. He never used to be like this. He used to be such a happy, outgoing, careless guy. Now, he can hardly go a few days without losing it.
Yule looks at me and laughs. It's so broken and weak, and he looks like he's about to cry, but he's laughing nonetheless. "Dude, you look miserable!"
"Well, yeah!" I exclaim, shocked that he's suddenly finding humor in this situation. "I'm supposed to be cheering you up, but you're not giving me any leverage. You're the one who looks miserable!"
"Such a Debbie downer," he exhales and smiles, chuckling softly to himself.
"I have no idea who in the universe Debbie downer is, but I'm trying to cheer you up, okay?"
Yule cracks a genuine, humor-filled laugh. His teeth shine through his wide smile. "It's an expression! Debbie downer isn't a person! Gosh, Bill, you're hilarious!"
     I reach out to playfully shove him, but I fall right through him in my neglect. Yule's laughing quiets as I hastily apologize. I've only given him another reminder of his sorrow. I push myself back up to a sitting position. "I should have thought," I apologize again.
     "No," he says, even though his humor is lost. "I need to learn not to be a sensitive to these things anymore. Of course, I'll wish to regain my humanity for a long time to come, but I have to accept the fact that this is how I am now. I can do that at the same time as keeping my wishes and regrets."
"You are a much different person from when I first met you, Yule Shields."
He blinks, looking at me. "Like, in a bad way?"
"No," I say, at last confident in my answer. Yule will always be the wonderful person he is, no matter what emotions overtake him, no matter what he goes through. "Not at all."
Yule smiles, and I know I've truly said the right thing. "I'm glad," he sighs. "Thanks."
My phone begins to ring, and I look at the caller ID. It's Merrily.
"This is probably for you," I note. "Try answering it like we practiced earlier."
Yule nods, then focuses all his attention on a tablet stylus on the desk. Impressively, it floats over to touch the 'answer' button on my phone. "Nice!" I exclaim as the phone picks up. The stylus falls next to it as Yule's attention is directed elsewhere.
"Hey, Bill," Merrily's voice sounds from the phone. "Is Yule around, by any chance?"
"Yeah," I reply. "I'm gonna have him float it on over to himself, okay? I'll leave and talk to Mabel or something."
"Float it over?" I heard Merrily's laugh ring from the other end of the phone. "That's so cool!"
I leave the room as they begin to talk. Yule deserves at least a private phone conversation if his ghostly life can't offer him anything else.
Mabel looks up from her phone as soon as I walk downstairs. "Hey," she says, "how's Yule doing?"
"I think he's finally out of his slump," I collapse onto the couch, "but I think this whole experience has only driven me further into mine."
     We sit in silence until Mabel says, "It's all your fault, you know."
     I'm stunned; I try to process what she's just told me. "What?"
     "That's what you want to hear, isn't it?"
Shocked, I wonder if she's right. I've thought this whole time that all of this mess spirals back to me; that I'm the one to blame for everything, especially Yule's death.
"I don't know," I whisper. "I don't know anything anymore."
"Then I'm going to tell you the truth. I'm not going to tell you what you or anyone else wants to hear. The truth. And you're going to accept it, and never question it again, okay?" She looks at me seriously, her eyes blazing.
"Yes, your henchmaniacs came because of you, yes, that portal opening ultimately leads back to your mistakes in the past, but you. Did. Not. Choose for Yule to die. Do you understand me? You did not choose to hurt us. These things would only be your fault if they were intentional. Did you intend for Yule to die that day?"
I shake my head 'no', my bottom lip quivering. She steadies me, wrapping her arms around my midsection. She curls up into my chest, my chin resting on the top of her head. We stay like that for a long time.
"Guys!" Long after, Yule yells, soaring down the stairs at record speed.
Mabel and I stand up. "What is it?" she asks, her interest piqued. Mine is, too.
He's breathless, though I would've thought that impossible. He is a ghost, after all. His eyes gleam with surprise. "You are never going to guess what Merrily just told me."